Cultivating for One Year

I reached the pivotal point of my life during Easter 2012. My search had finally come to its conclusion. My lifelong quest had culminated.

I studied mathematics, physics and philosophy. After getting my degree I took a job as a mathematics and physics substitute teacher. However, my true self must have sensed that there was more to life and thus I made great effort to take a course in biblical Hebrew scripts at a University, either before or after teaching my classes.

As I was overloaded by taking on teaching and the Hebrew script course I came down with severe pneumonia, which almost ended my life. I refused to take medication and at the time ate only raw natural products and had lost my faith in doctors and the sciences.

On returning to health I worked as a scientist at a research centre. I took great pains during that time. But, I felt out of kilter and had lost the meaning of life. Sitting daily in front of the computer and forecasting where and how many people might live 20 years from now was as I understood it meaningless.

I was stressed out one week before the end of my probation. Therefore, I resigned, although I knew very well that it would affect my livelihood significantly and could result in my being blocked from working for a government agency. I wrote, although in hindsight I should have refrained from doing so because it was quite egocentric, a farewell letter to all 800 of my co-workers, stating that science would not help humanity to advance.

I was in limbo for one month, eating only lentils and pudding daily and gathered herbs in the woods. During that month I realised that I no longer had a job but that I had deceived myself during the past three years. Over the past three years I held the belief that living on a strict vegetarian diet would help me overcome illnesses and be successful in my quest for the meaning of life. But, nothing the like had happened.

During Easter 2012, one month after I rendered my resignation, I was at the end of my tether. I had given up everything I held dear in the past. How could I go on? I prayed while in bed and asked those that were listening to help me.

I searched the term “Enlightening” on the Internet and found an article. Shortly after, I was engrossed in a speech from a conference that negated all that I had understood so far. It was the Beijing 1996 Experience Sharing Conference.

I was told that there wasn’t just one god, but many gods at different levels. Then I read about the 3,000 worlds in a grain of sand! This didn’t surprise me at all. At the time I thought that this was a perceptual thought. I also came to understand that nothing seen with the eyes was real. This was actually confirmed by modern physics. I was stupefied because I had found the Fa. But, still today, I have to be careful not to dissect the Fa with my scientific knowledge.

I can’t express how deeply grateful I am to Master. Master saved my life. Now, my life is for cultivation.

I didn’t stop reading and read the entire book Zhuan Falun within one week. In retrospect, nothing could disturb me any longer, because I had given up my ego and asked for nothing.

Slowly I returned to a normal human life. I contacted a practitioner in my city who taught me the exercises. That summer I went daily to the park to do the exercises. Exercising some evenings with a veteran practitioner were of great help. He was the first to make me aware of sending righteous thoughts. One time I felt while meditating with him that I was elevating. This reinforced my belief in the Fa.

A few months later, I was offered, with no effort on my part, a job in a distant city and I had to move. I got rid of a lot of my possessions. I wanted to fit in and return to the life of a scientist so I could save sentient beings.

During the first months I was sustained by my initial ardour for the Fa. Everything was so easy. Although I couldn’t open some documents concerning the Shen Yun test I took the test without having prepared much. This was because I was within and dedicated to the Fa.

My problems began when I went with a colleague, whom I barely knew, to the cafeteria. We wanted to talk, but he stuttered badly and turned red, which was the end of our conversation. Later, such bizarre situations kept occurring and I thought he was in love with me and that I was in love with him. I couldn’t talk when I went to his office for a talk. The entire floor was saturated with the perfume he was wearing. I was under the impression that Master had sent me the man who would share my life and I was destined to marry him.

I could barely work and lost my concentration, which made me think that my human emotions were still much too strong. About two months later I realised that this was the life and death test for human emotions. It wasn’t necessarily an erotic lust test. My true self knew better and I was ashamed in my heart because of my strong feelings and yet couldn’t talk to anyone about this.

I studied the Fa with a practitioner in another town, which gave me the impetus to bring up my problem. She said, “You’ve got to let go of your human emotions.” I knew that she was right, but didn’t want to let go.

Christmas arrived, after which I took two weeks leave. During these two weeks I suffered strong pain and was deeply depressed. Then, my mind returned to normal. I understood that this pain was an illusion. I continued to read the Fa diligently so I could escape the death trap called emotions. I used every opportunity to read with practitioners in the Sonant chat room. However, this strengthened another attachment, which was watching the clock like a hawk. I had to be in the chat room at 8 p.m. and then again at 9 p.m. in another room.

My heart wasn’t calm and I felt that I couldn’t live without the other practitioners in this town.

A veteran practitioner suggested that it is also important to read on his or her own to fathom the Fa in more depth. Reading in the Sonant chat room isn’t necessarily the daily solution. Besides, the thought of having to read with others and being unable to do it on my own became another attachment. I realised that I should be able do everything on my own. This doesn’t mean that I should stop reading with others, but to eliminate this attachment. This was the beginning of my reading the Fa and doing the exercises occasionally on my own.

Then, there were many disruptions during the winter season, which I couldn’t figure out. It is written in Zhuan Falun that one does not recognise a disturbance when first faced with one. My heating pipes were so loud with deafening noises for hours that I couldn’t read on Sonant. It was difficult to concentrate when reading the Fa on my own. Besides, the many Dafa projects I was involved in kept me busy and stopped me from taking steps to bring the Fa to people where I lived.

I was hyperactive with Shen Yun and NTD projects. I was busy covering up something and it took a long time to get the point. I wasn’t interested in doing well as a co-worker of a scientific team because the assignments were boring. Additionally, working on the computer was tiring. I just didn’t hold righteous thoughts towards my duties. I actually wanted to be part of NTD now, so I could prove myself. My work didn’t allow me to prove myself because I wanted to prove the Fa was true, and I was deeply torn.

In the morning I translated news for NTD, made something to eat and then rushed to my work place. I live far from my work place. Was my life just taking its course? At times I couldn’t think at work because I was too exhausted. After the daylight saving time changed I slept about 5 hours. To be honest, when I was told that NTD would no longer produce news from Germany I was relieved. Certainly, I wanted to help Master rectify the Fa. But everything should take its own course. I overdid it in my cultivation. I still wanted to achieve something.

That evening, when I recognised my shortcoming, I could take the pain when sitting in the Lotus position. Before, I could only stand 2 minutes of pain. Suddenly I sat there for 30 minutes and the pain receded a little after a while.

The section in the jingwen Dafa Disciples Must Study the Fa, helped me return to my senses:
“Some people, once they run into actual problems, have no interest in overcoming them, as they only want to be happy; when there are problems between them and others, they don’t search inside themselves, and will admit no wrong even when they are at fault. If you don’t cultivate yourself, how are you to help me rectify the Fa? How am I to make use of you? If all you want are days filled with happy things, then I suppose that as a part of having you help Master rectify the Fa I’d have to arrange happy things for you to do, and have you call the shots, and make you the centre of things in order to have you do this. But there’s no such thing.”

Master has given me so much. I want to cultivate openly and genuinely and bring to my new home town the Fa.