Upgrading Character When studying the Fa

It has been one year since I started practicing. As soon as I read Zhuan Falun I knew this book could really guide me to higher levels and all the way, I had no doubt about it. Although there was a lot I couldn’t understand, I never doubted Teacher’s words. During this year of my practice, I have had some tribulations, including very difficult illness-karma. Sometimes I have really had a tough time, even wondering whether I can do this at all - if I really can manage to continue cultivation. At that time I have always felt that I just had no other choice but to continue, because this really is the path I want to take.

When I think of the three things Teacher has told us to do, I can see that I have sometimes done better, sometimes not so well. About a couple of weeks ago I just came to a point in my cultivation when I all of a sudden realized that I can’t go on like this; I felt that I had tried and tried, but still did not make any progress, and the same thoughts and same attachments kept coming all over again. I felt so bad. I didn’t want to see other practitioners, I didn’t want to even think about anything. Even one thought in my mind felt so dirty, so full of intention and notions, that I could not bear it.

Although I knew that studying the Fa was the most important thing, I did not exactly understand what studying meant. I did read, but always with the purpose of searching for some answers. I knew somehow that it was wrong and I even tried to fool myself that I was not searching for any answers, that my mind was open. Then why did I feel that I still did not make any progress? Something was wrong. I did read Teacher's new lectures, and I did try to understand them and do my best, but there was always some kind of selfish purpose of gaining. It was so hidden, I did not even see it. It affected everything, including sending righteous thoughts and doing Dafa-work.

I understood that I just had to start doing things differently. I realized that although I studied the Fa, I did not really concentrate on upgrading my character. I remember I had that pure thought originally when I started practicing. I really wanted to follow Zhen-Shan-Ren. (Truthfulness, Compassion, Tolerance) Now I realized that although I knew a lot more, and understood a lot more now than in the beginning, I somehow still behaved a lot like before, and was thinking it was enough. But how could I ever reach a higher level if I did not follow the requirements of a higher level? If my thoughts did not change, if my behaviour did not change, how could I ever really think I could understand more? No Buddha, Dao or God would ever allow me to.

A few days ago I was reading the 1997 Sydney Lecture where Master Li talks about religions. He talks of how nowadays people can’t practice cultivation in religions because of their inability to understand the true meaning of what was said originally. There was one sentence that touched me: “…people began to regard how much one reads the scriptures and how much Buddhist knowledge one masters as cultivation practice.” I was looking at myself very hard, and realised that although I knew that Zhuan Falun was really able to guide me, and it was really all our Teacher’s words, I still did not understand the true meaning of what Teacher says. I did still not understand the Fa of a higher level because I did not really behave according to Zhen Shan Ren (Truthfulness, Compassion, Tolerance) on a higher level. I had not understood that it is not about how much you read. I realised that I was doing just like people in religions; I tried to read, but not cultivate. I had seen my attachments very clearly, but did not really do much to really get rid of them.

When I realized this, all of a sudden I remembered a lot of things in Zhuan Falun, and I understood them differently. I realized that my studying was never in vain, but everything was only waiting for the upgrading of my character. I felt light, and really touched about the greatness of Dafa. I know now that whenever I feel my cultivation is not progressing as it should, I have to look inside and see if I really am studying Dafa and really trying to act according to Zhen Shan Ren (Truthfulness, Compassion, Tolerance) or if should I try to concentrate more on upgrading my character.