Finding the Root of My Fear

Recently I experienced some tests in my personal cultivation process that I would like to share.

From the end of last year until now, several fellow practitioners and I have cooperated in sending forth righteous thoughts in front of the Chinese Consulate. Over several months, we have been intermittently interfered with by the Chinese Consulate. The Consulate exerted pressure on the police and asked them to drive us away. We continuously clarified the truth to the police while we persisted in sending forth righteous thoughts. Afterwards, since the police were under a lot of pressure, they had no choice but to take away the practitioners from in front of the Consulate. I was one of them. The police detained us for a day and we were released the next day.

Since then, I found that I sometimes felt an unknown pressure stuck in my chest when I went out to expose the persecution and let people learn the truth. I sensed that it was fear. I looked inside myself to find out why I felt this way. Eventually, I found the reason. It was because I had a mentality formed ever since my childhood that I liked to hear others’ praise for whatever I did. If another person said that I did not do things well, I would worry about it. I cared a lot about how others saw me. I have always covered up the mentality of wanting praise from others and have never told anyone about it. Later, the mentality became stronger and gradually formed a kind of fear. I was afraid of making a mistake or of not doing things well.

After my boss and my family found out that I had been arrested in front of the Chinese Consulate, my boss phoned my family and said something negative that made this mentality gradually emerge. I worried that my job would be affected. My family also said that they could not understand why we wanted to protest in front of the Chinese Consulate. According to their procedures, the police requested that we report to them once per month, which made me fear that the police would charge me. Because my worry and fear had emerged, I was influenced while sending righteous thoughts in front of the Chinese Consulate. When I saw the police there, I would be scared and my heart could not keep calm while sending righteous thoughts. After I found the mentality, I could not completely deny it at the beginning. Even though I sent forth righteous thoughts, it could not be eliminated.

Later, I discussed the issue with a fellow practitioner. I realised that the mentality of caring about how others saw me, formed ever since my childhood, was exposed through what happened in front of the Chinese Consulate. I was therefore able to see my problem. The practitioner told me that I must be honest with myself and truly examine myself while looking inward. It let me to further realise that I have hidden and nourished this mentality. Upon realising it, I found that the bad matter in my body has been eliminated. The more I exposed it, the more it was eliminated.

I read an article on the Minghui website (the Chinese version of Clearwisdom.net) earlier where a practitioner said that he saw with his third eye how the old forces had arranged layers of interference for him. I also realised that it was the old forces that used the loophole left by my attachment to strengthen my fear. I realised that I must completely deny the old forces’ arrangement and thoroughly eliminate my worry and fear.

I know that I can act better in the future. I also thank Teacher for helping me to eliminate many bad things. The above is my present understanding. If there are shortcomings, please correct me with compassion.