Looking Within to Improve Myself

Letting go of jealousy with my husband

In the past, my husband didn't acknowledge Dafa, but now he accepts Dafa. He even goes out to clarify the facts about the persecution of Falun Gong and talks to people about quitting the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). He also buys supplies that are used to produce Dafa informational materials for me and other practitioners. As long as it is a fellow practitioner who needs help, he will extend a helping hand without any hesitation. He doesn't study the Fa, but he behaves very well and treats every practitioner with kindness.

Once, a male practitioner came to my place to help me and others solve some technical difficulties. As soon as he stepped into the room, my husband appeared to be uncomfortable seeing me and that practitioner being together. At first, I complained secretly in my heart, "What kind of people do you think Dafa practitioners are?" I was angry and felt that he was making something out of nothing. Later, I thought about why he behaved like that. Why did he not trust me? He knows that a cultivator is most righteous. Did I have a problem that I was unaware of?

After looking within, I found that this problem was caused by my attachment. I realized that I was unhappy with my husband for getting close to other women. My daughter's music teacher was very familiar with my husband, who took my daughter to her class every time. So when they come back, he would tell me what he and the teacher talked about. Each time, I would mock him a little bit. In fact, in the past, my husband drank, gambled, and behaved inappropriately with women. Since I cultivated Dafa and improved my xinxing (heart and mind nature/character), he learned the difference between good and bad, and the fact that one will receive karmic retribution after committing bad deeds. He thus behaved much more properly. He has a very outgoing personality and gets along well with everyone. I felt that he was mine, and I was afraid of losing him and my happy life. I now realize that if I do not let go of this human emotion, it will not only hinder me, but hurt him as well! When fellow practitioners called me, I was worried about my husband getting upset. Didn't I ask for this, then? Since our hearts were righteous, what was I afraid of? Teacher said, "Fear is also an attachment." ("Lecture in Sydney") I should validate the Fa openly and nobly. When I found my attachment and cleansed the unrighteous elements, my husband no longer got angry when fellow practitioners came to our home. He even cooked for them, and chatted and joked with them.
Eliminating false compassion

Although I knew that I should seize each of my wicked thoughts and make them right, sometimes I sank into those bad mindsets and did not even realize it. My husband was from the countryside and he has three brothers and sisters. Except for our family, the other three families all live in poverty. We have done what we can to help them financially, as well as fulfilling our filial duty to my parents-in-law.

But in my heart, I felt that they owed us a lot and that my in-laws treated their other children better than us. They didn't understand our difficulties, and appeared to be so greedy. I knew that Dafa practitioners should treat everyone well, and that kindness must be true. I knew those thoughts were not mine, so I tried to suppress them. But later on, they would came back again. Now, I've realized that even though I suppressed those thoughts, I didn't rectify my thoughts with the Fa and let go of those bad elements. Thinking about how much Master has given us, without asking anything in return, I realized that I only did what I should have done on my cultivation path. It was wrong to have wanted to get repayment from them. I tried to suppress those bad thoughts on the surface, but I couldn't eliminate them in my heart. Isn't it hypocritical? The kindness I showed was a pretence. After finding those shortcomings, I resolved to forsake them.

Now, everybody in my in-laws' family knows that Dafa is good, and they have withdrawn from the CCP. Every time I visit them, I take informational materials with me to distribute in the area. My mother-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law and my husband all help me and my daughter to distribute these materials.

Eliminating the attachment of covering up shortcomings

I have not put in all possible efforts in order to succeed in cultivation, but in other practitioners' eyes, I am very diligent and understand the Fa principles well. That is because I know how to cover up my shortcomings well, which is something from the CCP culture.

For instance, sometimes when my mental state was not good and I did not handle myself as a cultivator, I could not rectify myself within the Fa, but adopted ordinary humans ways. Watching TV to forget my worries, I missed opportunities to improve my xinxing. TV shows can greatly interfere with a cultivator. After watching TV, I would feel tired and sleepy. Sometimes, I heard someone knocking on the door while I was watching TV. I would quickly turn it off, not wanting to be seen watching TV and thus damaging my diligent image in their minds. What I did was covering up the unrighteousness and creating a lie to myself. The issues we encounter in daily life seem to be small things, but they are all big issues on the path of cultivation. We must listen to Master's words, look inside, and make our worlds clean and pure. Only by doing that, can sentient beings be saved.

The above are my personal understandings. If there is anything inappropriate, please kindly point it out.