Looking Inside with a Sober Mind Amid Persecution

My husband and I began cultivation practice in 1997. Under Master's merciful protection we have grown and refined ourselves in Dafa. During the ten years of the evil Chinese Communist Party's (CCP) persecution my husband and I have been persecuted many times. My husband is a kind person but was twice sent to a forced labour camp and is still there. I have been seized and taken to a local police station and kept in a detention centre twice and was sentenced to forced labour once.

I previously exposed what the evil hooligans did in another article. I realized nothing was coincidental, and I should look inside to find my loopholes that the evil has taken advantage of. Master has already taught the Fa so clearly, so there is no excuse for me to foolishly acknowledge any persecution.

My comprehension of Dafa was quite shallow in 2002, and I still had many attachments. That is, when in a labour camp, coerced and intimidated by the CCP minions (that is the correct word here) I regrettably did a wrong. Even so, with boundless mercy, our esteemed Master still arranged to let me soon break out of the evil den. But I failed to understand and learn a lesson from it. I regret letting Master down.

In March 2007, evildoers broke into where our study group was assembled and arrested us. Four of five practitioners were held at a detention centre, and two were later sentenced to forced labour. Another practitioner and I showed symptoms of high blood pressure and the detention centre officials refused to keep us. Once again, with Master's mercy, I left the evil den.

I understood it must have been my loopholes the evil had taken advantage of for this to happen. But what was it? Master had given me many hints, but I failed to understand them. Now looking back, I realized that although we studied the Fa diligently, we didn't comprehend the Fa well enough. For example, we often skipped characters or added characters while reading, and certain practitioners even became angry when others pointed it out. Also, while practitioners were reading the Fa out loud, a few became distracted and actually did other things, such as finishing correcting the characters in the book, or even dozing and snoring. How would the evil not take advantage of such a [distorted] cultivation practice state?

I had seen the problems in our study group, but didn't make much of an effort to look inside for my loopholes. A year passed, and my husband and I were arrested again. I was held in a detention centre, and my husband was sentenced to forced labour for the second time. Master helped me get out of the evil den once again.

When practitioners reminded me to look inside, I didn't take it seriously and thought I did very well in cultivation practice. When a problem arose I tended to look outside and focus on others' problems. I thought my mentality of fear was minimal, and that it was my negating of the old forces that got me out of the detention centre. I didn't realize I was zealous and liked to show off. A couple practitioners irresponsibly praised me for having strong righteous thoughts so that the evil could not keep me in the evil den, and I even acknowledged it. Wasn't their repeated praise a test for me, as Master told us? For a long time I failed to realize I had too many human thoughts behind me, making the persecution possible, that my loopholes were shameful, and that it was time for me to improve. [Though I read about it], I didn't understand that Master had endured so much suffering for me so that I could fulfil greater missions in the future.

I now realize that I didn't make looking inside a priority, and I only did it superficially. I had cultivated for eleven years, but my boasting, jealousy, competitive mentality, and need for praise was still quite strong. I was doing the three things (study the Fa [the teachings of Falun Dafa], send forth righteous thoughts and clarify the truth about Falun Dafa and about the persecution to the world's people) and reading three lectures of Zhuan Falun daily, but I read the book as if finishing a task, without reading with my heart. When I distributed truth-clarification (explaining the truth of Falun Gong) materials, it was also as if getting something done, without my realizing the importance of rescuing people. I am sometimes attached to TV shows and weather forecasts. Worst of all, I always looked for others' faults when problems arose, hoping they would change instead of me. I often looked at my husband's shortcomings, felt superior to him, and lacked compassion in talking to him. All of these show I didn't cultivate myself well enough.

Why did I think so highly of myself? To say it in the words of common people, "Why was I conceited? I am a cultivator." Master said,

"Cultivation depends on one's own efforts, while the transformation of gong is done by one's master." (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)

Isn't everything done with Master's support? When I was sentenced to a labour camp in 2002 and held in a detention centre in 2007-2008, Master got me out of the evildoers' dens each time. Why did I think I was the one who did it? I have failed to pass these tests. Why didn't I look inside more deeply so that I could improve, and why did I instead become quite complacent? Before accepting Master and Dafa, how did I position myself? What is behind all this? Perhaps an attachment to validating myself and a strong ego?

Master taught us,
"From now on, whatever you do, you should consider others first, so as to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism." ("Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature" from Essentials For Further Advancement)

But I just can't let go of my ego! Selfishness is one of the characteristics of the old cosmos. Can one achieve consummation with that? How far away is that from what our esteemed Master expects from us! Am I truly one of our esteemed Master's diligent disciples?

Discovering the long-existing fundamental problems that were undetected, my heart lightened. Our compassionate and venerable Master, I will no longer be foolish. Your disciple understands the seriousness of cultivation practice and will never [again] let my ego hinder my progress!