Why I Could Not Cultivate Diligently

I initially began to practice Falun Gong with the strong attachment of changing my fate. When I look back, I realize that my attachments to recognition, self-interest, and emotion were strong. I was so strongly ego-driven that I did not even realize it. I even dreamed about using the wisdom and capabilities that cultivation would supply me with to obtain happiness in the secular world or to safeguard my personal well-being and happiness.

I began the practice in 1996, but was unaware then of my strong attachments. Holding on to my worldly views disabled me from actually, even in a limited way, comprehending the Fa principles. I recited the Fa for the first time in 2006, which unexpectedly took me 14 months. During that time I felt as if I had just gained contact with Dafa for the first time. When the persecution started, I often asked myself, "How can practitioners step forward to validate the Fa without considering their lives? Why do I still cling to humanness while the magnificence of the Fa-rectification is unfolding?"

Master said,
"Studying the Fa with attachments is not true cultivation." ("Towards Consummation," Essentials for Further Advancement II)

Whenever I read this Fa, I am shocked. I finally discovered my ego, the root cause of my inability to cultivate diligently.

Although I began to cultivate relatively early, I had operated from the wrong basis since the beginning. I handled cultivation with my human mentality, and I held on to my ego and did not want to let it go. This made me miss the test at the beginning of the persecution. It also led me to repetitively validate myself, go to extremes, and "dig into a bull's horn." Were it not for Master's protection and help from the Minghui website, I would have been unable to overcome these obstacles.

As Master frequently reminds us, all of what a Dafa practitioner has are due to his or her righteous faith in Dafa. All Master's words are the absolute truth, which only genuine Dafa practitioners can understand. A person that only wants to benefit from Dafa to satisfy his or her ego is forever a human. Ordinary people's egos agree with the old cosmos' principles, while Dafa practitioners want to leave their egos behind and enter the new cosmos. Master wants us to become enlightened beings who are selfless and altruistic.

"In providing salvation to humankind, the Buddha School does not attach any condition or seek returns, and it will help unconditionally." (Zhuan Falun)

That is what we should be able to live up to when offering people salvation.
The ego is at the root of all human mentalities. As to self-interest, recognition, and emotions--do they all satisfy one's desires? Likewise, showing-off, jealousy, and complacency all derive from one's ego and self-centeredness. When certain people do Dafa work, their first thoughts are not salvation of sentient beings, but "what should I do" and "how should I do it," which contains hidden boasting and complacency. This impure mindset was also the reason for my inability to make breakthroughs in my face-to-face contact when telling people about Dafa.

A strong ego also involves hanging on to ordinary people's things and being afraid of losses. My employer organized a research group and did not ask me to participate, which made me feel left out and unaccepted. I even thought, "They cannot accomplish anything extraordinary." Last year, when electing a group leader, my colleagues chose me, making me feel I had cultivated well. This year my unit leader chose another person as group leader, making me understand that it was time for me to let go of this attachment to recognition and self-interest that I should have relinquished a long time ago. However, I still felt disappointed. When I talk about salary and jobs, I am still very into them, just like an ordinary person, and forget that I am a cultivator. My ego is still strong, and thus I slack off in my cultivation, pursue comfort, and become satisfied with ordinary people's happy lives. This is not genuine cultivation. Being a Dafa disciple, this kind of cultivation state can cause one to lose everything.

I wrote this to warn myself as well as other practitioners who are going through situations similar to mine. Please kindly point out anything that is incorrectly understood.