My Battle with the Demon of Lust

As a young man who began practicing Falun Dafa when I was 17, I have struggled with the demon of lust for most of my cultivation. I realized that simply getting rid of all attraction to the opposite sex was not the answer and, in fact, was not what Master requires of young practitioners. In Zhuan Falun, Master says, "Young practitioners should still have families." Master has also talked in Zhuan Falun about the attachment of zealotry: "Others will say: 'How come a person who learns Falun Dafa becomes like this? It seems he has a mental problem.'" I saw that my initial thought to stay single was based on zealotry, so I made up my mind that I should get married and I eventually married a practitioner and began a family.

However, looking back, now I see that while practitioners should conform to ordinary society to the maximum extent, they do not do this for the sake of conforming itself, they do this for the sake of cultivation. This is the point that I have lost track of over years of marriage and being in the big dye vat of ordinary human society. It has become increasingly pronounced in recent years and especially in the last year or so when I purposefully visited dirty websites late at night on multiple occasions.

My thinking was that as long as it did not interfere with my doing the three things--clarifying the truth, Fa-study, and sending righteous thoughts--then it was just part of my human side that I needed to keep normal and fit in with men in society in a normal way. I even twisted the meaning of the following passage from Zhuan Falun in an evil way to fit with this messed up understanding:

"In particular, the so-called sexual freedom and pornography of today's society are interfering with people. Some people are very interested in such things. As practitioners, we should attach little importance to them."
I took the above passage to mean that I could attach a little bit of importance to filthy thoughts and indulge my attachment to lust just a little bit, but no more. I never actually said this to anyone but this warped understanding has been festering in my mind like a cancerous lump. It sounds stupid just writing it now.

While it is true that in many cases young practitioners like myself should get married and have a family, this does not mean that we should not remove our attachments where possible and where necessary. Indeed, looking back now, I see clearly that my attachment to lust has been affecting my ability to clarify the truth, the most pressing matter as the Fa-Rectification progresses to this final moment.

I have been involved in clarifying the truth through a practitioner-run media organization since it was formed. In the last few years, as my time has become tighter, I have increasingly butted heads with the older practitioners who are in charge. I have wasted many emails and wasted many bitter words in my mind and through my mouth spelling out all the things that they are doing wrong. How do I know that they are doing things wrong? My rationale is that I know that I am giving everything that I can to the project and I see that other practitioners are giving everything they can, but we still seem to be falling short of our goals amidst Fa-Rectification.

Now, it has become crystal clear that these past few years are exactly the time when I should have been removing my attachment to lust. This is genuinely the most fundamental thing that needed fixing. While I should have been removing my attachment to lust, and it was instead festering and becoming a dirty rotten thing, I was wasting time blaming others and was blinded to the real issue. My solutions to the company's woes have always involved radical adjustments and huge changes of perspective and focus, but I have not trusted that if we all work well together, Master has an arrangement that will harmonize everything. The biggest, most productive thing I could have been doing for the company during this time would have been to remove my own attachment to lust and look inside.

I am reminded of my experience doing Falun Dafa Exercise 2 for the last 10 years. My hand positions were often wrong and the problem stemmed from trying too hard to do them. My muscles would be all knotted up, which made my arms look strange. When I just relax and have a simple thought to do the exercise right and do my best, nothing more, then my hands just seem to naturally go into the right place as dictated by my mind. My attachment to lust is like that knot in my muscles that contorts my arms in a strange way and makes me look foolish and strange.

From this day forward I pledge to conquer the demon of lust. I have begun memorizing the section on lust in Zhuan Falun, Lecture Six, and will not let my guard down until it is utterly vanquished. It has made me look like a silly, stupid fool, jeopardized sentient beings' chance to be saved, and even jeopardized my marriage. I have composed the following poem to reinforce my will:

The demon of lust laughs at me,
Evil succubae (female demon) cloud the sky,
Master sets my tangled hands free,
With a poised Fa sword, up I fly.

Please point out any problems in my understanding.