New Practitioner: Finding the Root Cause of My Attachments at My Level of Understanding

As I read articles by other Falun Dafa practitioners about finding the root causes of their attachments, I looked within for the root cause of my own. I knew for sure that I would find the attachments, and that the articles would help me to notice and begin to eliminate them one by one. I do appreciate and cherish the articles written by fellow Dafa practitioners. But was I able to identify the root cause of my attachments?

Before tonight, April 15, 2012, I believed that selfishness was my root attachment, since as I read other practitioner’s articles, a lot of them indicated that selfishness was a very large attachment for them. And I can say is that it is a large one for me as well, since the moment I was born my mother began spoiling me. I got everything I wanted, and even when didn’t want anything, she would constantly get me things. Since I was the youngest, if any of my older siblings made me suffer in any way, my mother would scold or hit them. Nothing was allowed to hurt me, not even an ant. This strengthened my attachment of selfishness, which also strengthened a lot of other attachments, like jealousy, personal gain, and desires, etc. My ability to endure became extremely weak. In this way my sense of self became enormous and completely overtook my main consciousness, or in other words, I fell into complete delusion. This state of delusion lasted since I was born, and has in turn caused me to do many wrong things in this life.

I read an article on the Minghui website written by another Dafa practitioner about selfishness not letting us tell the truth, and holding us back in telling the things we have done wrong. I, too, believe this, and even though I have revealed the truth of my digressions to one particular non-practitioner, I have not discussed them with Dafa practitioners, and that is the same as not being honest with Dafa and Master. In this lifetime my character in this human drama has been a bad one, and I ended up doing many evil things. I once fell into complete delusion, my main consciousness shut down, and it was truly easy for me to be influenced by the everyday world. After my brother was killed in a drive-by shooting in 1996, I didn't care whether I lived or died, and I became very angry and violent due to many attachments, like affection for family and love. I became wild and started to be very negative towards my family, and I did many things that I now truly regret.

I moved away from home in 2001 and lived with some roommates from college. I wanted to be different, live a normal life, and do things that were good, so I didn't go out as much as I did in the past, and didn't get into any improper relationships. But my drug use from the past continued, and I still drank a lot. Now that I think back on it, this kept me from thinking about and seeing all the wrong things I had done. I also played a lot of video games with my roommates. I played games from morning to night without a clue about what time it was, and sometimes I even forgot to eat. I also did those things to block my thinking about the wrongs I had done.

In 2003 I met a person who would be my partner for eight years. Throughout the relationship she tried to bring out the goodness in me, and she often pointed out that this, along with loving me, was the reason she was with me, yet I was in too much delusion to listen and always got angry and did not treat her well. In 2008 she reminded me again why she was still with me, because she could see that I had a good heart and it was just blocked by a lot of things. I finally took what she said to heart and made the choice to be a good person. I began taking steps to make that happen. Not knowing what to do to be good, I started reading and looking for spiritual things. I searched for anything I could find, in books, on television, and on the Internet. I would take it in and see whether I could use it to become a good person. There were slight changes, and the relationship looked like it was heading down a better road, but none of my attachments was let go, and spurts of anger still arose. Since everything I was taking in was on a low level or just everyday people talking, it didn't really help much at all. I believe Teacher’s benevolent grace had reached me before I even knew about Falun Dafa, because I remember my girlfriend at the time and her friend talking about Falun Dafa and about the persecution. All I remember hearing was the name “Falun Dafa.” I didn’t think too much about it at the time and kept on going with “trying” to be a good person.

Throughout 2010 and the beginning of 2011, out of nowhere, I felt that I was being given a choice. I needed to decide whether to tell my girlfriend the truth about everything bad I had done in the past, or lose out on the chance and be destroyed. It took me a while to make that choice, but in the end I chose to tell her. I now understand that if I had not chosen to tell her everything, then I would have kept on living that worthless life, and in the end be destroyed by my evil wrongdoings. Since I chose to tell the truth, Teacher gave me another chance. At the time I didn't understand and blamed Buddha for all of my misfortunes. Like Master said,

“This person goes home and worships Buddha, grumbling to himself, 'How come you don’t take care of me? Please, please help me solve this problem!' Of course, that Buddha won’t step in. That tribulation was set up by him, and it was to improve your character so that you can improve yourself through the challenges. How could he resolve it for you? He absolutely won’t resolve it for you. If he did, how could your gong grow? And how could you improve your character and raise your level?” (Zhuan Falun, The Fourth Talk, Improving Character)

I was exactly like that, and I blamed Buddha for all my misfortune. I was suffering to the point where everywhere I looked, whether it was on the walls, ceiling, ground, or outside, I saw demons laughing and dancing everywhere. I didn't understand then, because I hadn't found Dafa yet. I spent three months in this state and was almost completely consumed. I felt that I had nothing and that I had burned all my bridges to the person I cared for the most, and to a lot of people around me. I then tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose of medication, but instead threw it all back up. Again I realize that this was Teacher's compassion for all sentient beings.

During the summer of 2011 a thought came to me. I remembered the name of a spiritual practice, Falun Dafa. So I went on the Internet, searched for Falun Dafa, and downloaded two books to read. The first was Falun Gong and the second was Zhuan Falun. I read Falun Gong first since it was shorter, and after finishing it, I knew I just had to read Zhuan Falun. After I finished reading Zhuan Falun, I realized that I believed in karma and had the thought to be a cultivator, and that deep within me I had always wished to be a cultivator. So I kept reading and kept listening to the lectures, watching the lectures and doing the exercises. In the beginning it was tremendously hard to keep my concentration, since my master consciousness was very weak and had been that way for so long. So I put more emphasis on the exercises than the actual cultivating. But as I kept on reading, the things Teacher spoke about became more and more profound.

There were still noticeable conflicts between everyday human society and my cultivation. To me it felt like a battle between good and evil, with good being cultivation and evil being the attachment to things in everyday human society. I stopped smoking and doing other bad things, and I even cut my long hair. But there were still attachments I hadn't let go of, like watching programs I enjoyed as an everyday person. If I wasn’t studying the Fa I would be watching them, and I eventually started watching them more frequently than I studied the Fa. The only thing that was truly constant was doing the exercises. This went on for a while, until I finished reading all the articles on the Minghui website; finished reading Hong Yin I, II, and III; memorized Lunyu; and went to a nearby practice site to learn how to do the exercises correctly. I went from not being able to sit in the full lotus position at all, to sitting in the lotus position for only up to three to five minutes, to now being able to sit for up to 45 minutes. I also transcribed Zhuan Falun once. By this time almost a year had passed, and I finally made the decision to truly cultivate in Falun Dafa and began studying Zhuan Falun from morning until night, or at least eight hours a day. Each time I finished reading it, I gained more understanding, and while looking inward I would give up a piece of attachment each time, no matter how large or small. Three weeks into truly studying the Fa without any thought of seeking things, I was blessed with a part time job at a company, where I am still currently employed. I am continuing to do the three things well, including studying the Fa, sending forth righteous thoughts, and clarifying the truth. I am also learning to care less about my emotions, whether at work or at home. Master said,

“So there are a lot of attachments that are derived from emotion, and we have to really care less about them, and at some point finally let go of them all.” (Zhuan Falun, The Sixth Talk, Qigong Psychosis)

I am still in the process of getting rid of them and letting them all go. I no longer fight with my family, nor do I become angry with anyone or anything, for anything that happens in my life. I have finally learned to cherish what I have, Dafa.

I recently wondered if the root cause of attachments was the same for everyone. I have been reading many articles by practitioners, and selfishness seems to be a primary attachment. I realized while looking inward that I depended too much on others' mighty virtue in finding the causes for attachments. This led to answering my question, but not building my own mighty virtue. No, not everyone has the same root cause for their attachments. With reduced interference from caring less about emotions, I found that the root cause of my attachments was fear of loneliness.

As an everyday person, my attachments rooted in the fear of loneliness brought about other attachments and strengthened them. For example, liking being comforted, whether it be material comfort or comfort from another person, stems from the attachment to the fear of being lonely, and this extends to selfishness, personal gain, desires, jealousy, and all other attachments, notions, and emotions. Because I was lonely, I was seeking all those ordinary things to keep me from being lonely, which made it impossible to cherish anything that I had as an everyday person. That is definitely an attachment. This has existed during my entire lifetime, beginning with comfort from my mother, to comfort from women, video games, drugs, and doing things for friendship's sake. They were all were done out of the attachment to not wanting to be alone.

Teacher's benevolent might and compassion has not only given me a new life but is helping me return to my original nature and my true reason for being here, which is to fulfill my prehistoric vows. I am still enlightening to this, and through continually looking inward and eliminating the old forces' arrangements, I know I will be able to fully enlighten to it.

The reason for writing this article was due to Teacher's grace. I woke up tonight, April 15, 2012, with an urge to write my experiences by “writing from the heart,” aptly expressed by a fellow practitioner in an experience sharing article.

The above are some of my cultivation understandings. If any of it is improper, please do not hesitate to point it out as that would greatly benefit me in my further cultivation.