I have been in an irritable mood for a long time, and it has not been eliminated. This kind of irritable mood manifests in different aspects of cultivation practise. It even becomes habitual, which is not easy to perceive. It is not merely having a bad temper. Behind it are many hidden attachments.
The irritation manifests mainly in these aspects: while studying the Falun Gong teachings, the Fa, or reading experience-sharing articles, I seek to be quick, yet the contents have not entered my mind. When memorising Zhuan Falun, I just seek the quantity - how much I've finished each day, as if fulfilling a task, forgetting one paragraph after memorising another. While practising, I cannot achieve a tranquil mind. Before finishing the exercises, I start to think about what to do next. When exchanging ideas with other practitioners, I was impatient, interrupted others' conversations, and was not willing to listen attentively to other practitioners. When distributing flyers, I lacked patience, just like finishing a duty, and wasted materials as a result. When preparing materials, I emphasised only the speed, but not the quality. As a result, the machines were frequently out of order. Materials made in this way cannot save sentient beings very well. When I took part in activities to expose the persecution and introduce the practice, my state of mind was not steady and I was eagerly yearning for success. When I heard others say something unpleasant, or if I wasn't understood after having repeated myself, my heart became anxious, I lost my self-control, and said something inappropriate, or even insulted others.
Behind this there is a mentality of doing things and accomplishing tasks, as if I was doing something for others. Actually, after I think about it carefully, this reflects a habit of just dealing with work, which has been fostered for a long time in society. It is certainly a deviated thought, being irresponsible to one's work. I have treated cultivation practise as a job and have done things like an ordinary person fulfilling a task. Is this cultivation practice? Is it different than an ordinary person doing things for Dafa? Though I knew clearly that my thoughts and behaviours were not within the Fa, I was actually not strict with myself constantly. This is simply deceiving myself as well as others. Cultivation practise is serious! To practise cultivation, I should melt into the Fa in everything I do, cultivate solidly and be strict with myself at all times. If I pay attention to the result of everything, but not the cultivation of myself, then that is an ordinary person doing tasks, not cultivation practise.
Looking back, I have practised for so long, yet have not truly cultivated myself. Looking deeply inside, I asked myself, "Why I am like this? How could it be possible for me not to truly cultivate myself?" Behind this, there are mentalities of seeking comfort, being afraid of suffering hardship, and being greedy to obtain without making effort. Thinking about it, these are far from the righteous principles of the universe. At the same time, behind this there was also an attachment to time. Sometimes a thought flashed in my mind: "How hasn't it finished yet?" In my heart, I didn't take it seriously. But this kind of thought is incorrect. Right after carelessly completing a task, I wanted to present it. Am I negotiating conditions with the universal law? Being worried about personal gains and losses, am I cultivating for myself, or Master?
Moreover, once I fell into this kind of mood, if I overlooked it, it could enlarge. Even such thoughts may emerge: "After having cultivated for such a long time, I haven't seen anything, neither have I developed any supernormal abilities. Perhaps Master simply does not take care of me. Maybe I have no predestined relationship and my inborn quality is not good. I don't know which level I have cultivated to." Having these kinds of thoughts, I also considered giving up. These are all illusions and puzzles being made by thought karma and other external disturbances. They just want you to think like this and just want to enlarge these kinds of thoughts, and finally destroy you.
Therefore, we must hold strong to righteous thoughts and let ourselves melt into the Fa. As soon as we have an unrighteous mood or mindset, we must deny it immediately, disintegrate it and send righteous thoughts to eliminate it.
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