I Found My Well-Hidden Selfishness

After I learned Falun Dafa, I was very diligent and participated in many projects to clarify the truth and save sentient beings. I took the initiative to look for things that I could do and do them better.

However, a few years ago, my husband was relocated to a remote township and I moved with him. I became the only practitioner in this town and it takes two and a half hours to go to the nearest practice site. From co-ordinating many projects to being the only practitioner in a town where 90% of the residents were Caucasians, the changes were overwhelming. I spent a lot of time adjusting to the new environment and set up a practice site in the community centre. I told myself that wherever I went, I had to do what a practitioner should do.

In spite of that, I was feeling frustrated. I envy practitioners who are in big cities and can participate in all projects to validate Dafa and clarify the truth. Although I could still participate in some projects through the phone and Internet, I couldn't go into a Chinese community, where I have a lot of experience and would like to continue to do so. Now I can't, and I worry that many practitioners who have the opportunity do not have the courage to talk directly to Chinese people.

While I was unsure what to do, I started to register for a programme and prepare for exams. Pressure from school prevented me from doing truth clarification work well. Thus, I slacked off in my cultivation. I thought that since I was alone here, I could not do as much as the other practitioners. I was in such a cultivation state until I read the "Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference."

"Don't let having relatively fewer students in a particular area, or the presence of ongoing disputes among our students in some areas, become grounds for being passive about validating the Fa, saving sentient beings, or even your own cultivation. You would be ruining yourselves, then. You should know, and I have been saying all along, that when you, as Dafa disciples, look at something, you have to make sure to view it in reverse since the Three Realms are inverted, and you have to conduct yourselves in a positive, correct manner. "

I did not pay much attention to this paragraph at first. I thought it was for practitioners who are not happy with their local Falun Dafa Association. After I studied the Fa a few times, I realised that Teacher was also speaking to the practitioners who slacked off in their cultivation and truth clarification efforts because there were few practitioners where they were. This shook me. I thought to myself that I was like that. I became passive because of the change of environment and having only few fellow practitioners.

I started to look inward. What was my mentality? Why did I become so passive? One day, I realised that in my mind, I had a deep rooted attachment to purpose. I need a purpose for everything I do and the purpose has to be consistent with my self-interest.

Through this process of looking inward, I came to understand that what I had been doing was based on selfishness. I did not do it for the purpose of saving sentient beings, but to validate myself. When the opportunity for validating myself was removed, I just passively did whatever.

What was the real reason behind this? I slacked off because of selfishness that was very well hidden. It was even hidden behind the reason to cultivate. My selfishness had determined that I live in a way that is beneficial to myself. I cultivate because cultivation is good for me. I picked the means of clarifying the truth that was beneficial to me. When I worked on a certain Dafa project, it was because this certain project was beneficial to me. I did not do it on the basis of altruism.

I asked myself, where did this selfishness come from? Why did I just find it now? My passiveness did not come from interference, or change of environment, or inability to balance cultivation and daily life. It came from selfishness. Everything else was an excuse.

Have I ever done anything based on altruism without the slight consideration of personal gains? As long as I am calculating, no matter how much I have done, it cannot change the fact that it was driven by selfishness. Because my actions were driven by selfishness, I will never be able to balance the conflicting agendas. When I am inconsistent with the characteristics of the universe - Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, I will surely have conflicts. On the surface, it looks like if I spent more time on truth clarification, I would not fulfil my responsibility in ordinary society. This is because my foundation of cultivation is not solid and I didn't change myself fundamentally and become a being for others.

An altruistic being will not have conflicts. If everything we do is based on altruism, including every thought we have and every word we speak, we will not have to balance anything. What am I trying to balance anyway? My self-interests?

Because I did not think of others first, whenever I came across something that suited me better, I put aside what I was doing. Whatever I came across in life, as soon as it was in conflict with my self-interest, it had to move. Isn't this holding onto my own self-interests deep within my heart? Did I really cultivate? Or was this just cosmetics? Why did I pretend in my cultivation? Was this for self-interest at another level? Am I attached to "fame" among fellow practitioners? Why did I have so many bad thoughts?

When I realised this, I cried. I said to Teacher, "Teacher, I don't want that. I don't want these bad thoughts. I have to clear them out."

I then said to Teacher, I will focus on pure cultivation, clarify the truth and do the three things well, simply because I want to do it--not for myself, but for others – and not for any other purpose or self-interest.