Learning to Look at Myself First and Correct My Thinking When I Encounter Tribulations

I began practicing Falun Dafa in autumn 1994. I had a strong attachment of wanting to get a Falun (law wheel), so I could become a high-level qigong master who could travel invisibly in other dimensions. I can't explain the excitement that I had in my heart after learning that I could finally achieve Buddhahood. I had not discovered this attachment when I tried to look within, but only knew that something was wrong with my thinking. Only shortly before writing this experience sharing did I enlighten to my attachments of fame, interest and sentiment. I realized that I wanted to remain an everyday person while pursuing Buddhahood.
After the initial curiosity of cultivating passed, I found I had unbreakable barriers. First, during daily group Fa study, I felt sleepy after twenty minutes. I read the Fa but didn't obtain the Fa. Secondly, I got up late in the morning, and missed the morning group practice. Thirdly, I had gloomy dreams at night, as if I hadn't even realized that I was a Falun Dafa practitioner. I couldn't break through this state, no matter how hard I tried. I felt I could overcome my obstacles, but didn't know where the problem was. I was worried.

Teacher said in "Dissolving Into the Fa,"
"The ancients have a saying, "Having heard the Tao in the morning, one can die in the evening." No one in mankind today can really understand its meaning. Do you know that when a person's mind accepts the Fa, isn't that part of his mind that accepts the Fa assimilated to the Fa? Where will that part go upon the death of the person who has heard the Fa? I ask you to study the Fa more, remove more attachments, and give up various human notions, so that you will not take away with you only a certain part, but reach completion."

Finally, I knew how to cultivate in Dafa, that is to have my mind full of Fa and assimilate to the Fa. I quickly used every free moment I had to memorize Lunyu. I only had Fa in my heart, as if my entire person completely and automatically studied the Fa. Previously I had made great efforts to discipline myself in cultivation, yet my standards for adhering to the Fa were far too relaxed. But now after enlightening, I automatically recited the Fa even when I slept and was able to get up at 3:30 a.m. for morning practice. I no longer felt sleepy when I studied the Fa, and the dismal dreams also disappeared. After two months, I suddenly felt that everything had changed. My former self had gone far away and I felt that who I had become was no longer me. I felt alarmed and worried that I may have improved too quickly, and I decided that I should slow down my steps.

That was early October 1998 and the slowing down lasted for ten years. I subsequently made efforts several times, but was unable to return to that diligent state, until I read the pamphlet, "Look Inward, Strive Forward," I hadn't realized that my thoughts at that time guided my indulgent behaviour and created such serious consequences. It was very difficult to remove this selfishness, as I couldn't find it. Now I firmly deny it, and strive forward and do the three things (study the Fa [the teachings of Falun Dafa], send forth righteous thoughts and clarify the truth about Falun Dafa and about the persecution to the world's people) well, so I can complete cultivation and return with Teacher.

I carefully identified and distinguished these human notions from my true self. I found that I experienced a kind of excitement and curiosity at the beginning of my practice, but because of my attachment to happiness, this feeling disappeared after a period of time. I used to read mainstream books in my spare time, and enjoyed them tremendously. Looking back, I can see that these books were full of pornography, fighting and mistrust among people. At the time however, I actually regarded reading these books as a lofty level of entertainment. If I didn't read, I felt I had no energy, and this strong attachment became natural for me. After my initial excitement in cultivation waned, I paid less attention to studying Zhuan Falun, mistakenly believing that I didn't need to focus on those sections of the book that on the surface appeared irrelevant to me. I had lost my enthusiasm for cultivation, but of course was not aware of my attachments which interfered with my practice. I left Fa study for the afternoon, when I had nothing else to do, and thought my mind would be free to concentrate on studying. Laziness filled my whole body, because I had not made Fa study a priority. Regardless of how hard I tried, it had no effect, as my motivation was driven by a very deeply-rooted and well-hidden thought of only being interested in something if it satisfied my excitement and curiosity. I was unable to distinguish it, target it, and eliminate it because I didn't recognize it as an attachment.

I had fostered the habit of sleeping and getting up late for a long time and felt uncomfortable and dizzy when I got up in the morning. Even if I forced myself to get up, I still felt sleepy. I forced myself to practice the exercises in the morning, but didn't understand their importance in Fa cultivation. I merely required of myself that I get up early and practice the exercises, but I was only going through the motions. Because my practice was only superficial, I was therefore unable to break through my current state. On the other side, I looked for excuses out of being lazy and feared enduring hardship. Dafa practice doesn't focus on enduring hardships, but improving xinxing (heart and mind nature), because gong is automatically transformed in Dafa practice. Practitioners often asked Teacher what would happen if they only improve xinxing, but don't practice the exercises. Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:

"Some people quickly take the legs down once they begin to ache, and they will do some warm-ups before resuming the sitting position. That will achieve nothing whatsoever."
"Our school of practice does not proceed primarily this way, though a part of it also plays a role in this regard."
"Suffering physically and mentally can make both the body and the mind quite uncomfortable. Some people cannot bear the pain in sitting with the legs like that, and they want to give up by putting the legs down. Some people cannot bear it anymore after sitting a little longer. Once the legs are put down, one's practice is in vain. Once the legs are in pain, one will do some warm-ups before resuming the sitting position. We find that this serves no use whatsoever. This is because we have seen that when the legs are painful, the black substance moves to the legs. The black substance is karma that can be eliminated through suffering; it can then be transformed into de."

Now I know that practice has the element of transforming karma and improving xinxing. Now I know I shouldn't enjoy getting up late. If I like it, I would be unable to stop it. I can't fear soreness in all my muscles and joints when I get up early, as practice involves enduring hardships and eliminating karma. I also can't allow myself to be sleepy during morning practice, as this is not the proper state for a practitioner with righteous thoughts and righteous actions. The human state must first be abandoned. In comparison to the standards set forth in Teacher's Fa principles, I have not done well, and must immediately do well from now on.

Teacher said in "Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students,"
"Regardless of whether it's the old forces' arrangements or karma, we should first of all examine ourselves. I ask you to cleanse yourselves first even when you send righteous thoughts. Look at yourself first, and if you discover that you have a problem, take care of it. With that the old forces won't be able to do anything; when they can't find anything to hold against you they will back off."

I enlightened from the above passage, and realized that when I encountered tribulations and interference, I must look at myself first and correct my thinking. Even when I encountered problems in my truth-clarification projects and I explained the facts of the persecution to save sentient beings, I realized that I must look inward and address my problems first. Instead of always looking at how evil the Chinese Communist Party is and how bad the old forces are, I knew then and know now that I must address my own state first. This is another important benefit I have obtained from writing this experience sharing.
Sometimes, I am very effective in clarifying the truth, but it sometimes has no effect for several days. When I am diligent in practice, it is very effective, and when I am not diligent, it is ineffective. For a period of time I was arrested and detained, and all day I thought about how to explain the truth. As a result, in a short two to five minutes, and with five to six sentences, I could explain the truth and convince others to do the "three withdrawals." One person out of three withdrew. Truth-clarification appears to be very difficult now. Some people are not interested, some are fearful, some don't approve, and some don't want to quit. When I was arrested, I recall that I had no preconceived notions or selfish desires, but only wholeheartedly wanted to tell people the truth and help them withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party and its affiliations. Now however, I often have the attachment of loss and gain when I explain the truth, wondering whether others are willing to listen, will they dislike what I am saying, will they be afraid, will I be treated coldly, will I lose face and never have an impact on them, etc. It's hard for me to not be stirred by all sorts of attachments, like the pursuit of success and the pain of failure. I can easily be moved to avoid pain and pursue happiness. With such notions, I certainly can't explain the truth well and save people.

Teacher said,
"Dafa's things should be the most sacred, and that's why the less you have of your own notions and involve your own factors, the better you can handle them and the more likely you are to succeed." ("Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students")
Teacher also said,
"...with a lot of things you do, when you are free of human notions your own attachments won't get mixed in. If, beyond being responsible to the Fa, you have no human attachments, none of your own things, and none of your personal factors mixed in, then you are sure to do that thing well. Whereas once you've mixed in your own factors, then you can't do that thing well.

There's something you must pay attention to: you are validating the Fa, not validating yourselves. A Dafa disciple's responsibility is to validate the Fa. Validating the Fa is cultivation, and what you remove in the cultivation process is none other than the attachment to self; you can't, instead, go and exacerbate the problem of validating oneself, even if you do it unwittingly. When you're validating the Fa and cultivating, that is a process of removing self, and only when you do that are you really validating yourself. That's because ultimately you have to let go of all your human things, and only after you've let go of all your human attachments can you step out from the throngs of everyday people." ("Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students")

From Teacher's Fa, I then enlightened to the fact that I could succeed in explaining the truth before because all of my thoughts were on clarifying the truth and saving people, and hence naturally I had few of my own things, therefore the success rate was high. From now on I must pay attention to validating the Fa and saving people, let go of selfishness, and do the three things more effectively.