Looking Within Raises One's Level

Before I practiced Falun Dafa, I was quite sure that I did not pursue fame or personal interests. I saw myself fostering a healthy husband and wife relationship, with good communication and harmony. However, the more I pursued this ideal situation, the less I experienced it. My husband had a bad temper and often disrespected me. I just could not understand what was going on. I thought that he no longer loved me and was afraid to touch the subject. Therefore, I was often angry. He hurt my feelings, but never admitted to be in the wrong. Over time, I could not bear it anymore and asked for a divorce. He refused and asked me to consider our two children. I decided to keep up appearances in the hopes that he would change his temperament, but I was always disappointed. Although I was very sick and frail, I kept working over ten hours daily. I hardly ever took holidays because it was just too painful. I was so tired all the time. With bronchial problems and pulmonary emphysema symptoms, I wasn't sure how much longer I had to live.

After I began to practice Falun Dafa in 1994, I began to understand that it was rather difficult for an everyday person to control his or her destiny. We are so tiny in the universe. I knew then that only through cultivation and following Teacher's guidance can one's destiny be changed. I soon became healthy. It was so different from being a person burdened by many illnesses, such as pulmonary emphysema, hepatitis, enteritis, arthritis, neurasthenia, and others. All of my illnesses disappeared, and my mind expanded. The resentment toward my husband gradually disappeared.

When my husband had a temper tantrum again, I didn't ask if he loved me or not, I just attributed it to his personality. I said he was ugly. Instead of responding in kind, he asked, "Do you know if you are attractive?" He used to never talk back after he lost his temper, and I pointed this out. I was stunned, turned around to look in the mirror, and thought I was truly unattractive. From that point on, whenever I looked into a mirror, I checked my complexion. It was difficult to change, because of long-term unhappiness. How could I change this? Practice! Continue to practice. Only practice could change me. Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:
"the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments."

There was definitely ugliness in me that I had to let go, but I did not find many attachments. I only knew that I had to repay debts owed from past lives.
Later, Teacher further explained the Fa principle of "searching within:"
"No matter what trouble you encounter, no matter what makes you feel unpleasant inside, and no matter whether on the surface you're right or wrong, if you are to truly regard yourself as a cultivator you should always examine yourself for causes. Ask yourself whether you have a wrong, hard-to-detect motive that's related to the problem. If you, as a cultivator, only part with things superficially while deep down inside you still stick to something or cling to your own vital interests that you don't allow to be undermined, I'd say to you that your cultivation is fake! If your own thinking doesn't change, you cannot advance even one step and are deceiving yourself. Only when you truly improve from within can you make real progress. So be sure to remember this: Whenever you come across anything such as troubles, unpleasant things, or friction with others, you need to examine yourself and search within. You will find the cause of that insurmountable problem." ("Lecture at the First Conference in North America")

I was so moved. I asked myself, "Am I deep down sticking to my old notions? Is my practice genuine or fake?"

I sincerely looked for my notions and attachments. Although I no longer cared if he loved me or not, if we divorced or not, he still controlled my attitude. I wanted to please him and gain his understanding. I felt unbalanced without having achieved that. Wasn't I still pursuing things borne of emotion? I am a practitioner, and I must let go of human fame, personal gain, and sentiment. Yet, I was still pursuing human desires and not behaving as a practitioner should. I became determined to be a genuine practitioner and not pursue everyday people's emotions. I gave him my diary, in which I had written down my anger and discontentment towards him. He was not unhappy about this, and most of my anger disappeared.

On December 3, 1998, I wrote,
"Falun Dafa's Teacher knows how painful the human world is. He knows where humans should go. All is divine intervention and to let us enlighten. It is better to cultivate and to change one's life. Not everyone has such fate. People with predestined relationship are happiest! I no longer feel miserable beyond description, no longer strive for uselessness, as long as I practice genuinely. Falun Dafa's Teacher leads the way. All dangers and difficulties are outgrowths of our behaviour and not arranged by a heartless society."
I continued to look within.

I then read what Teacher said:
"Yet when we run into problems, we often look outwards--'Why are you treating me this way?'--and feel that we've been treated unfairly, instead of examining ourselves. This is the greatest and most fatal obstacle for all living beings." ("Lecture at the Conference in Singapore")

Didn't I always blame others as soon as I spoke? I never talked about my own mistakes. I calmed down to look within. Only then did I discover that I always hurt him. Because I am of strong character, wanted to be number one and outdo others, and rarely forgave others, I was unable to truly consider others' feelings. How could I be a likable person, then? Once I found my shortcomings, my grievances disappeared, and in turn I sympathized with him.

Teacher said:
"A person has a physical body, yet a person is not complete with only a physical body. One must also have human temperament, personality, character, and Primordial Spirit in order to constitute a complete and independent person with individuality." (Zhuan Falun)

When I dealt with people, I did not consider that they had human temperament, personality, and character, but always judged them with my notions and demanded that others follow what I wanted, so it was easy to cause misunderstandings. If I had in the past expressed my appreciation towards my husband, encouraged him, and understood and tolerated his shortcomings, it would have been different.

After that I no longer looked for what he could give me and no longer expected repayment for whatever I had done. When he lost his temper, I did not care and pitied him for losing virtue. Moreover, I sympathized more and more with him. His family was in the category of "industry and commerce landlords," victims under the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) rule. But due to the influence of the CCP's atheism, he did not understand Dafa, believed the party's lies and disrespected Teacher. At first I was in sharp opposition to him, held no compassion towards him, and was unable to convince him. I had to temporarily avoid any Dafa-related topic to stop him from accumulating more karma. He probably felt my sincerity. He felt my compassion, so maybe my compassion did move him. Slowly, his temper tantrums faded away, and he no longer even raised his voice. I thought that he and I should start all over again, but first I had to save him.
Sadly, before I had the chance, he died from a brain haemorrhage in July 2001. After he passed away, I was in a state of remorse for a long time. Cultivation is really not easy.
I realize more and more the importance of looking within. Before July 20, 1999, I strove forward in a good cultivation environment. In a group Fa study and group exercise environment, my xinxing improved steadily and my physical body changed. I helped several people join the practice. I immigrated to the United States on July 9, 1999, and did not find a practice site, so I practiced at home alone. Due to laziness and lack of self-control, I was not diligent. After the persecution started, I was unhappy and wrote articles to validate Dafa, but could not go on the Internet. I practiced the exercises outdoors alone. Eight months later, I had symptoms of sickness karma, so I returned to China. When I returned to the United States in 2004, I still had cough symptoms, and they affected my family's understanding of Dafa.

Teacher said:
"The cultivation practice form that I have left for Dafa disciples ensures that disciples can truly improve themselves. For example, I ask you to practice the exercises as a group in parks to form an environment. This environment is the best way to change the surface of a person. The lofty conduct that Dafa disciples have established in this environment including every word and every act - can make people realize their own weaknesses and identify their shortcomings; it can move one's heart, refine one's conduct, and enable one to make progress more rapidly." ("Environment" from Essentials for Further Advancement)

I treasured the group environment very much and liked to be with fellow practitioners. Their conduct spurred me on, exposed my attachments, and alerted me to my problems.
For some time at the Fa study group, I noticed that some fellow practitioners accused others of something as soon as they spoke. Although I did not approve, I dared not speak up and looked for all sorts of excuses not to speak up. I did not think about why I wanted others to listen to me when I spoke. I had so many worries. I asked myself if I was a selfless and honourable practitioner. Some practitioners said to me privately, "You care too much about what others think of you." This really made an impression. Actually it was my selfishness at work. I put my honour or success first and put Dafa second. For example, when selling tickets last year for the Shen Yun show, I wanted to say that Chinatown was very important, but I did not speak up. Another practitioner brought it up without worrying about it. No one opposed it and cooperated with him. This let me recognize my gap. From now on, I won't worry when I speak and act.

For the past four months, I have had more contact with fellow practitioners, and I have done better with the three things. As a result, my xinxing and physical body have both shown improvement. Listening to Teacher's words, being with fellow practitioners more, and looking inwards when problems arise has helped me to improve very quickly and solve the problem at the core.

Now I have seen more and more fellow practitioners looking within when faced with problems. The Fa group study atmosphere has become more and more relaxed and pleasant. Let us keep Teacher's words firmly in our minds. Cultivating is about searching within, removing attachments, and returning to our true selves.