Things Learned from Looking Inward

Looking for fame but ending up losing it was a painful struggle

I have had a good memory since I was young. I liked to read and wanted to be a righteous and good person, but my social relationships with others have never been good. I felt that I always thought of others, but was often misunderstood. In order to make others like me, I tried hard to please them, but the results were often not what I hoped for. I could not figure out why this was so and ended up upset all the time, but I still tried hard to earn myself a good name.

Finally, my social relationships totally collapsed. My mother-in-law called me names in public, my father-in-law broke a window arguing with me, my mom and dad did not want to get involved, and my husband blamed me. I was angry and felt mistreated. For a whole year, I had no appetite, and even drinking water was something that I had to force myself to do in order to stay alive. I lost weight and was weak. The memory of the pain is now no longer vivid, but I still can feel the gloominess of those days. Because my father-by-birth died early, I missed being cared for by my family. I struggled to live on so my son would not suffer the same way I did. I took all sorts of medicine, but to no avail. From 1992 until 1998, I struggled between life and death, both physically and mentally.

The conflicts in my family were resolved once I began to cultivate

In the spring of 1998, a neighbour shared Zhuan Falun with me, and it interested me greatly. I went to the practice site in the village that night. The coordinator had heard about my bad reputation and was not too friendly. She asked me to take Zhuan Falun home, read it, and come back if I could follow the requirements set forth in the book. I was not bothered and went home with the book. After reading it through the night, I was so happy, feeling that Zhuan Falun was a divine book that teaches people how to cultivate. One can definitely succeed if one follows the book. So I decided to begin my cultivation.

I made good progress in the beginning. My celestial eye opened and I saw the law wheel. I saw that Zhuan Falun blossomed like a daisy, with a golden glow. I used to have difficulty sleeping because of my illnesses, so I drank to fall asleep, which caused me to become addicted to alcohol. After I began to cultivate, I stopped drinking and was able to get along well with my parents-in-law. Everything turned for the better.

Learning to look inward

In spite of all the good things happening, my realm did not truly improve much. Conflicts between myself, other practitioners, and non-practitioners still occurred. I was confused.

In 1999, the Chinese Communist Party began to persecute Falun Gong and I was arrested twice. This made me truly pay attention to elevating my xinxing (heart and mind nature, character) - to earnestly work on it step by step and not only pay attention to superficial things.

In 2003, I learned how to look inward during the process of memorizing the Fa. First I found my attachment to jealousy. It existed in every aspect of my life. Whether one is thinking about people or other things, as long as you are making comparisons, jealousy will be involved. Thoughts such as those of being mistreated, that one was born into a lower class family, that other practitioners have cultivated better, or that someone is richer have overwhelmed the minds of every person in China. People take them as normal and they are difficult to detect. Later, I found the attachment to lust. When I managed to get rid of these two attachments, I understood after a conflict with a fellow practitioner the principle that Teacher mentioned in Zhuan Falun: "You've gained in four ways all in one shot." At that time I felt I was the luckiest person in the whole world, immersed in Buddha's glow. The Fa cleansed my heart.

Removing the attachment to fame and finding true happiness

Without removing my attachment to fame, my cultivation was still up and down. In 2009, my sister said, "If you do not begin at the right place, the result will not be good no matter how hard you work." This caused me to think for a long while. Over the past years, I endured a lot of pain and hardship, thinking that I was doing it to benefit others. However, it was solely for my own benefit. I did not do anything completely from other people's viewpoint nor in a selfless manner. The attachment of pursuing fame that I had not yet discovered was actually the root cause of many of my troubles.

Realizing this, I began to understand my mother's pain--the sadness of not being able to control her own life. I see the difficulties of fellow practitioners, too--having strong attachments and not being able to get rid of them. What is happiness? Only when we are able to remove all attachments can one be truly happy. The division between the human and divine is only one thought. Those who cannot give up those things are truly naive. I am truly happy that I have gotten rid of a large number of the attachments that have hampered me over the past years. I have to say, "Cultivation is truly great. Being a practitioner is great. Falun Dafa is great."

I wish Teacher a happy birthday. Thank you, Teacher, for giving me the opportunity to cultivate. Also, thank you, fellow practitioners, for your help.