Learning to Be Truly Compassionate

After my husband and I got married, we lived with my father-in-law for ten years. We had many conflicts and grievances between us. In my husband's family, his sisters who were already married, and they managed the household. His sisters had the final say on everything, and my husband simply followed along and always sided with them regardless of whether they were right or wrong. It was not uncommon for one of them to come and tell him that the utility bill was too high this month, and another to say that we'd wasted too much gas. When they were not around, we would often have a big argument. My family problems were only intensified with the sisters' involvement. The relationship between my husband and I reached a breaking point at times. As a result, my resentment toward his sisters increased over the years, and my health deteriorated as a consequence. I was sick all the time, and sometimes was bedridden for several days at a time.

We moved out of my father-in-law's place at the end of 1999, and had almost no contact with my husband's sisters. For several months after we left, my father-in-law lived with each of his daughters in turn for a period of time. Eventually, he arranged to stay in an old house where his second daughter once lived. All of his daughters had big houses with plenty of space, but they could not bear living with him. That's because at his old age, he was careless about his personal hygiene and had acquired a nasty habit of spitting. Every time when the meal was ready, as if by a conditioned reflex, he had to go to the restroom to spit, making a horrible noise at the back of this throat as he did so. It was really disgusting. His second daughter, who took over the big 3-bedroom apartment that her father's workplace offered, promised in turn to look after him.

At the time, I had just obtained the Fa. My health was improving every day, but I was still a stubborn woman. I did not want to face my husband's family and my marriage was almost non-existent, yet I still believed that getting a divorce was not right. Therefore, I left home to look for work in another city. But I could not abandon my kids and returned home soon after. When I came back, my father-in-law was already staying with my family. Although I was reluctant to accept it, I did not say a word. I tried hard to follow the principle of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and held myself to this standard to become a good daughter-in-law. I stopped giving my husband a hard time and became more gentle with him.

Of course, things are easier said than done. My father-in-law's habit of spitting only got worse. Sometimes, he could not get to the bathroom quick enough and spat on the floor instead. This was truly hard for me to endure. Especially when I had to clean it up. Every time when I heard the noise in his throat, I wanted to throw up. For quite some time I was not able to eat at meal times with my father-in-law and my family. My resentment and disgust towards him started growing inside. I tried very hard to suppress my feelings, but it was extremely difficult.

Sometimes when I was cooking, images of how my father-in-law and three sisters-in-law used to team up against me emerged in my mind. I could not help myself and would shake uncontrollably, with tears streaming down my face. I wanted to throw the cooking utensils to vent my anger. However, deep down inside, I knew that forbearance was what I must adhere to. I wiped away my tears, held the anger and resentment inside, pretended nothing was wrong and calmly brought the meal to my father-in-law. Even so, he still kept complaining about how the rice was too hard or the meal too light. This only made me angrier.

At the time, my husband had already been having an affair with another woman for a long time. The embarrassment and insults I endured were immense. Every time the tribulation was hard to bear Master's Fa would appear in my mind:

“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren)?” from Essentials for Further Advancement)

I was determined to cultivate to this state of great forbearance, starting with being kind on the most superficial level and not to be affected by emotion. When indecent thoughts were hard to remove, I would study the Fa. Sometimes when these thoughts were too strong and I could not even read the Fa, I would take a walk outside and try to think of how hard it must be for my elderly father-in-law. No matter what it took, I made sure not to lose my temper in front of him.

Gradually, I was able to calmly accept my father-in-law's criticism and learned to consider things from his perspective. My father-in-law was at an age where he had dental problems and his digestive system was not good. If the rice was too hard he could not chew it well, and then he would have stomach problems. After realizing this, I started to cook food the way he preferred. No matter what we ate, his requests were always considered first. For the kinds of food that he liked but was too hard to chew, I would chop it up first so that they were manageable for him.

I came to understand many principles of the Fa and learned that to cultivate, aside from being a good person, I have to hold myself to a much higher standard. I should treat everybody with respect, care and compassion. I don't remember when my resentment and disgust toward my father-in-law disappeared, I only noticed that my stomach did not churn like before when I heard the noise of him wanting to spit. He was no longer an unpleasant old man in my eyes, but a child that needed to be attended to.

With regard to my sisters-in-law and my husband, I also tried to understand them by placing myself in their shoes. I know all grievances have karmic relationships associated with them, so I tried to use compassion to dismiss the unpleasant retributions. When talking with them, I tried to be calm and peaceful, avoiding any arguments and to be as caring as I could. When conflicts arose regarding money, I would simply go along with their decisions. After I made these changes to my behaviour, the relationships that were once tense gradually loosened up.

My sisters-in-law were initially concerned that their father would not stay with me for long. But to their surprise, we lived together for several years. I remember when two of my sisters-in-law came to visit us. As usual, once I got the bowls ready for dinner, my father-in-law went to the restroom, and the sound of his coughing and spitting came one wave after another. The sisters immediately stopped eating. One of them ran straight into the restroom and threw up, even before her father had come out. The other sister stood up and left the room. After leaving the restroom, that sister yelled at her father, “Why can't you go and spit much sooner, long before dinner even starts? Do you want other people to eat or not? After so many years, why can't you change this filthy habit?” She then turned around and shouted at me, “You cannot spoil him like this! You have to tell him not to do that!” I smiled and passed the rice bowl to my father-in-law, and then told her calmly, “Father has come to live with us. I want him to be happy. He's getting old and we just have to be more understanding.” Finally, the other sister commented, “You are probably the only person who can tolerate him. He's my own father and I can't even do it.”

When my father-in-law passed away in October 2009, the third day after we buried him, my husband's sisters and their husbands all came to our home. They came for the one hundred thousand yuan of inheritance my father-in-law left. I expressed my opinion clearly, “You all decide on how to divide up the money, I will not get involved.” Even though I said this, deep down inside I was still a little angry because this money was left by my father-in-law for my daughter's education. I did not have a formal job and my husband only had a meagre income. When our daughter was six months old, my father-in-law said that he would save some money for his granddaughter's schooling. He even repeatedly said these words in front of his daughters.

My father-in-law's pension was managed by his married daughters, and every month they sent us two hundred yuan for his living expenses. Only after 2007, did they add another hundred yuan for looking after him. Now just three days after he died, they came to divide up that money. My husband's oldest sister had never set foot in our home after my father-in-law moved in. This time her whole family came. I learned afterwards that they came prepared for a big fight, but to their surprise, the whole matter went quite smoothly. Later, the second oldest sister asked me, “You could have made a request for the money also. Why didn't you?” I smiled and said, “My Master does not want us to fight with others.” I had not had much contact with this sister-in-law for quite some time, and still had some concerns, so I did not take the opportunity to clarify the facts to her. But they all knew that I was a Dafa practitioner. Even so, they still observed how my behaviour was different from before. In the past, I would fight over even a small amount of money, much less a hundred thousand yuan. What's more, among my in-laws, some of them were officials or owned their own businesses. All of them were financially better off than us.

My sisters-in-law started to look at me differently, and their attitude towards me changed. They started to care a lot more for my family, and whenever they received some goods from their workplace, they would send them to us. They also insisted on paying for my daughter's college tuition, even after I repeatedly turned down the offer. What touched me most was at the end of last year, they wanted to pay for some life insurance for me. However, I wouldn't let them. Several sisters took turns to phone me, trying to get me to take the life insurance. The youngest sister, who never came to my home, said she wanted to visit me to try and talk me into it. Then the oldest sister came to my home and spent a whole afternoon telling me about the benefits of purchasing life insurance. My heart was not moved. I clarified the facts to her and told her that I only wanted to cultivate myself well. I did not need to purchase life insurance. The sisters were determined to buy some life insurance for me, and I saw that they acted out of genuine caring and sincerity. I was deeply touched.

When we use compassion to remedy karmic relationships, good fortune will be boundless!

From the Call for Submissions to Commemorate the Twentieth Anniversary of Falun Dafa’s Introduction.