Part 1: http://www.clearharmony.net/articles/200702/38017.html
Part 2: http://www.clearharmony.net/articles/200702/38022.html
Part 3: http://www.clearharmony.net/articles/200702/38038.html
Part 4: http://www.clearharmony.net/articles/200702/38072.html
9. Belief cannot be discarded
The third time I was tortured by the "attack team," I stood for exactly 42 days and nights. They said: "This time she must give up."
The wind was chilly during those early winter nights. There was a small building called the visiting hall just southeast across from the dormitory. In the visiting hall, the upper levels are bedrooms and the first floor is the visiting room where detainees and their family members can meet. It can only be used at special times during the month, and it is unoccupied on normal days.
After practitioners were detained at the Beijing Women's Forced Labour Camp, there were a record number of atrocities little known to the public and so many secret crimes. The visiting hall has become a prison within a prison where practitioners are secretly persecuted.
From November 8th to December 20th, 2001, I was detained in this small, gloomy, and terrifying building for exactly 42 days and nights. Nine evil people launched a third "break resistance" campaign against me. I could not sleep during the day or night, and I was forced to stand there day and night. I was physically and mentally tortured for 42 consecutive days and nights.
(a) Threatened on a cold night
On November 8th, claiming they were helping me, the guards allowed me to see someone. They took me to a room with an apartment on the first floor of the visiting hall. In this room many collaborators1 and criminals were busy pasting newspapers on the windows and doors close to the corridor. Inside the room they climbed up to a balcony and sealed the window that faced a playground with a bed cover. This was a deserted monitoring room in the labour camp; everything was removed except for a large metal shelf.
I was detained there and I knew that I was facing a new persecution.
This time they changed personnel, including two guards, two drug addict inmates and five collaborators. Nine people entered the building. Another cruel "transformation2" procedure began. They said that this time I had to give up.
When it was completely dark, a cold wind blew in through the doors along the wall. All of the collaborators were there, but they did not turn the light on. Instead they opened the door and let the chilly wind in. The two team heads were not there; I looked down the corridor and did not see anyone. It's well known in the forced labour camp that whenever a practitioner is left anywhere, a team head must accompany him or her. As I looked down the dark, empty visiting hall, I saw many people had gathered, but the team head was not there. Therefore the guards must have arranged this well in advance, and they left on purpose. No matter what happened, they would be excused because they were not at the scene.
Someone shouted: "Zhang Yijie, take off your clothes." I did not move.
In the dark, several people rushed at me and forcibly removed my outerwear and sweaters, and I was left wearing only a tank top and underpants. I was forced to sit on the concrete floor across from the gate, and I became completely cold in a minute. The wind that evening blew directly on me and made me feel cold from the inside out. Sitting on the cold concrete floor, I felt so cold that I shivered, my mind became blank, and my thoughts stopped. I was very clear about two thoughts, which were: "I will never give up. Be really compassionate and tolerant."
Cold wind blew me over and I was immediately frozen.
I had not used the toilet for two days, and they tortured me by forbidding me from going to toilet until I had "transformed." One day was as long as a year, and I suffered greatly from this. Everyday I only ate or drank a little so that I could persevere and tolerate as much as possible. Sometimes my abdominal area was unbearably painful, but whenever a collaborator slandered Teacher Li [Teacher Li Hongzhi, the founder of Falun Dafa] and Falun Dafa, I was extremely alert and thus my suffering was diluted and I was able to tolerate it again. In the evening when I asked to use the toilet, they still refused, saying I hadn't yet "transformed."
At around midnight, all was silent except for the chilly wind that whistled. An unknown person kicked me and said with a disguised tone: "Don't you feel cold? Do some warm ups. Are you still not willing to be 'transformed?' Are you going to resist forever? Let's warm up."
Then collaborator Zhang Yanchun came over and stood behind me and pulled my shoulders. Another two people stepped on my knees, one person on each side. Zhang Yanchun pulled my shoulders and pressed my upper body toward my legs. The other two persons firmly stepped on my knees and made sure my legs were straight. I was folded in half with so much force that all the stretch fell on to my backbone.
Zhang slandered Dafa while she tortured me. At that time I did not have any strength to oppose her. Zhang, who was on my back, pulled me up and quickly, pressed me down against my legs, then pulled me up again. She repeated this again and my backbone was as painful as if it were being ripped out. I struggled to bend my knees so that I could release the pressure from my back, but the two collaborators that were stepping on my knees cooperated completely. They pressed down with all their strength, so I could do nothing about it. They pressed me more and more rapidly--I was just like a piece of dough on a breadboard as they pushed and pressed me. Zhang Yanchun was so tired that she could barely catch her breath, but she did not stop until she had used up all her strength. I could not move for a long time afterward.
This torture dislocated my vertebra and injured my knees. Being beaten and tortured for over one year, the injuries to my back and legs became worse. The second after being released from the forced labour camp, I went to a hospital to have my back and legs x-rayed.
After they stopped torturing me, they asked me again: "Do you want to be 'transformed?' Do you want to write a statement about this?"
I told them as usual: "I will not write anything for you."
When I refused, they switched to another form of torture. They twisted my arms behind my back and then pulled them suddenly until they could not pull anymore. They exerted all their strength to pull me to the left side then to the right side, and they cruelly searched for my sorest spot. If I screamed at some point or angle, they would push or pull me at that sore spot again and again. That piecing pain made me sweat and suffer so much that I almost wanted to die.
The wind and screams, along with my sobbing, resounded in the horrible small building that cold evening. Enduring this brutal and inhuman torture, I cried for the repeated brutality of the collaborators and their willingness to help a tyrant to do evil. Where did they learn these torture methods that caused such agony but left no trace? Recalling this today, I still shudder.
After being tortured for one night, I was exhausted. My tormentors were exhausted as well and took turns sleeping in the apartment. Two collaborators who were woken up to carry on the shift blinked their red and swollen eyes and sat in front of me. They incessantly kicked my shins to release their fretting due to insufficient sleep. My skinny shins had already been kicked until they were black and swollen, and those previous injuries had not yet healed, but they kicked me there again and again, and the pain was like bones were being broken. Facing these mindless and inhuman tormentors, I did not have a single tear left.
The sun did not come out, but dawn had broken. After being tortured for one night, with only a single layer of clothing on my body I had become cold and stiff. My numb body did not feel any pain. The two guards still did not show up. Afterwards I learned that they had already set up accommodations in the room several feet away and they were closely monitoring and directing what went on. They knew about everything that had happened to me.
After the collaborators kicked me they said: "Do you still not want to write the statement? You could endure for today but not for tomorrow. We will see if you can endure three, five, six months or one year! Kneel down! Kneel down!"
I was forced to the ground by several persons. Before this I requested to use the toilet, but they still did not allow it. After they pressed me to the ground, they again pressed my head and shoulders down until my head reached the floor between my knees. My injured backbone was affected and ached deeply. I was forced to huddle up and my abdominal area was pressed. I could not control my urination and did not have any sensation for several days. My trousers were wet immediately and urine dripped on the ground. The collaborator shouted and jumped aside. I looked at the puddle of urine under my feet and listened to their laughter and abuse. I did not feel anything, and my mind was still; I did not have any feeling of humiliation.
Then some people brought the mops to clean it up, and a person said: "Let her do the cleaning!"
They viciously pushed me down into the puddle and pushed me around. My whole body, my face, and my hair were soaked. My clothes that had soaked up the urine stuck to my skin, and I felt so cold.
I was totally wet and I stood there, the urine dripping from my hair and clothes to the ground. My mind was a blank.
(b) Pick them up and eat them all!
There is a special kind of maltreatment--among many methods of psychological abuse--that goes on inside the forced labour camp. That is, if you were steadfast and refused to be "transformed," the guards were going to make you experience the strong difference between this situation and the contrasting situation. They put you on purpose into this contrasting situation, let you see, hear, and feel the discrimination, humiliation, abuse, and the isolation from other detainees. As they said, "If you don't give up, you'll lose everything you have. We'll fix you and let you suffer alive."
Will your mind still be calm when you see that all the detainees around you are having a meal of steamed buns made of white flour and eating on dishes while you're having only a little piece of steamed cornbread and pickle? Will you have anger inside your heart when you see that other detainees are showing off and dumping their leftover food into the rubbish bins on purpose or depriving you of your meals in front of your eyes while you don't have enough food to eat? Will you still be indifferent and care little about your physiological desires when you see in front of your eyes that other detainees are chewing and enjoying the charcoaled chicken and sausages on purpose brought from the shop inside the labour camp while you're not allowed to buy anything from there? Will your heart still be peaceful when you are forced to stay up all night long under the surveillance of the collaborators and the guards while others are sleeping soundly?
Will you flinch when you are forced to sit on the icy ground surrounded by ice and snow all day long and to suffer from hunger and cold alone outside while other detainees are enjoying their lives inside the warm and cosy room? Will you care little about the situation when you are not allowed to clean yourself up and have to wear dirty clothes and have to be unkempt while other detainees are allowed to take a shower and wash their clothes? Will your heart still be determined when you see that other detainees are allowed visits and to write letters to their family members or receive phones calls from them, while you are deprived of these rights for long periods of time? Will you have no hatred and no regret inside your heart when your detention term is prolonged because you don't give up your belief in Falun Dafa and refuse to be "transformed," while the detention terms of other detainees are reduced because they agree to give up their beliefs? Will you be able to take it when you are suffering from insults, beatings and vicious tortures for a very long time only because you are holding onto your belief in Falun Dafa and refuse to be "transformed?"
That was the life in front of my eyes. It was putting my heart to the test every moment. Go beyond the barriers, and firmly continue to live on!
However, there were moments when I was fragile and not strong enough during the cruel process of being "transformed." I was furious, wretched, and couldn't help crying. Yet, being taken care of by our benevolent Teacher, I come through those situations and grew up and have become more steadfast and mature.
During those 42 days and nights in intensive "lockup," I almost broke down one time. In front of my face was the high wall of the labour camp. I was forced to sit on the icy ground and I was almost frozen like a rock for several days near this horrific high building used for meetings between detainees and their families. Under the lead of a fully-equipped team headed by a person with the last name of Nie, two tall, heavy detainees who were assigned to monitor Falun Gong practitioners were scrutinising me. From head to toe, they had wrapped themselves tightly with warm heavy, thick jackets and trousers, and they had even covered their necks with big towels. They stood in front of the rising sun at the entrance of the building, while I was ordered to sit in a place with a draft under the high wall. The freezing wind wailed and swept across my whole body, from my head to toes. Since I had been transferred to several squads and also confined in an isolated cell, my personal belongings, including my clothes and bedding, had all been lost. At that time, the one and only "suit" that I was wearing was a ragged sweater, a pair of flimsy woollen trousers, and a pair of unlined shoes with plastic soles. The freezing wind was all-pervasive and penetrated my thin "suit." I was shivering with cold and almost frozen to death. There was a patch of grass under my feet. The blades of grass bent back and forth with the breeze, and my heart became empty in the cold wind. There was only one diamond-like, unshakable, steadfast thought left in my mind, which vibrated sympathetically and converged with the pulse of my life in perfect harmony.
Guards Wang, Du, and Nie had enjoyed their meals in turns. However, they didn't allow me to have my own meal. Actually, my "meal" was only several pieces of little thumb-shaped and smashed steamed cornbread. The collaborator who was delivering meals to me was bored with having white-floured bread as her meal and she was eating my little steamed cornbread while she was walking toward me. She was embarrassed to give me the cornbread that she had eaten, so she wilfully broke the little steamed cornbread off with her fingers and thumb and gave them to me. From then on, all my meals turned into smashed steamed cornbread passed on by the collaborators. No pickles, no water for me. I hadn't drunk any water that morning and after I finished eating my steamed cornbread, I asked for some water. They said I'd have to give up my belief first, but I refused their offer.
When I went to toilet several days earlier, the people who monitored me were asleep so I went to the outer room, turned on the tap, and washed my face. As I washed, I drank some water. As long as I had a chance I drank water like this. However, the person who closely monitored me noticed: "Report, Zhang Yijie drinks water secretly." The female guard angrily stared at me. I calmly looked at her and suppressed her evil words. From that day on, they stopped the water for me everyday.
For almost one day, I was taken with chills, hunger, and thirst. Only my clear and strong willpower enabled me to control and tolerate the hunger and cold. The sky began to darken and it was past 4 p.m. The sun went down and the wind kicked up. They still did not give me any lunch. One day had almost passed, and I started to feel that I could not sustain this. I began to shiver and my teeth chattered. From the beginning of my confinement, I had stood up for days and nights until this day, and my feet already had become unbelievably swollen. They were heavy, as if they were made of lead. Although the chill offset the tiredness, I became extremely tired.
Suddenly I had an idea that I wanted to protest their persecution with my death. I looked at the wall nearby and threw myself toward it. Even if I was injured I would not have to suffer anymore. It did not matter if I died. If I survived then I would have the chance to disclose their criminal acts. I stopped thinking and suddenly rushed toward the wall. After I had taken the first step, I could not take a second: big fat Zhang Cuifeng stood in front of me like a wall.
As I stood still I became clear in my mind. I immediately understood that I should not behave like that. If I protested in this manner, they would say that I had committed suicide and they would blame Falun Dafa for it. I calmed down and thought: "If you, Zhang Yijie, had the courage to smash into the wall, don't you have the courage to face this tribulation and walk on firmly?" The intention to disclose their criminal acts was a weak excuse. Thinking of this, I regretted my weakness. I surprisingly looked at my shoes, sized 40, which were given to me by another detainee. After being confined for a long period of time, I still had to stand up day and night. My feet had already become like elephant feet and barely fit in the shoes. They would not fall off. After I lifted my shoes I understood that Teacher was preventing me from doing this. After that I completely gave up this idea.
The sky was becoming dark, and they brought the food for dinner. As usual the food was broken cornbread in thumb sized portions. Only several pieces covered the bottom of the dish. The team head on duty--Nie--had left at some point and another team head named Du was there. She repeatedly reproved me for refusing to be "transformed." She became angrier and fiercer as she talked. She knocked over the dish I held in my hand and said: "God is not hungry or thirsty, and neither does God have the food of a human."
I picked up my dish, silently looking at the broken cornbread scattered on the grass and I wavered in the cold wind. I seemingly heard a voice say: "Pick them up, eat them, and stand resolutely."
I reached out my frozen hand and picked up a piece of steamed cornbread from the ground and put it into my mouth along with salty and silent tears. The sky was completely dark.
The second day I heard from two people who were assigned to monitor practitioners. One of them said: "Why was the team leader switched to Du?" Another one said: "Yesterday team leader Nie was frozen in shock and she stayed at the hospital."
(c) Evil is everywhere and draws a circle as a prison
In the meeting building they set up a secret prison to try to brainwash me for the third time. They escalated the tortures on my physical body and also tried every means to break me down spiritually. To quote their words: "To transform Zhang Yijie, we must break through 'the spiritual control on her (by Falun Gong)...We must crash open this layer of the shell enveloping her...Spiritually we must further our campaign against her." After their evil tactics such as "strike spirit possession" and "interrogation at midnight" failed, and also after torturing me for 18 consecutive days and nights failed, they changed personnel again and again and had several new groups come in. They did not allow practitioners like Liu Hong, Tang Jianshu, or Zheng Jie to be near me at all. They replaced three people during their third attack on me and got in three new collaborators entrusted to them by the police. Among them, Zhang Yanchun and Shen Shiling were sent regularly to the "Law System Training Centre" to brainwash and transform others. These two people were very evil, and Zhang Yanchun was a ruthless thug.
On this particular day, five collaborators came, each holding a yellow booklet with articles slandering Dafa and our Teacher. They handed one to me and said: "Hold onto it. We will start with you."
I didn't accept the booklet and said: "I will not read. It is impossible for you to hear a single slanderous word from my mouth." They hinted to each other and five of them surrounded me and walked towards me till they were opposite me face to face. They opened the booklet and read the first chapter in screaming voices. The noise was so loud that it pierced my ears.
This yellow booklet was an evil book in which there were lots of articles that systematically attacked Dafa and Teacher. It was used specifically in labour camps and prisons for the purpose of brainwashing Falun Dafa practitioners. Five of them shouted out the virulent slanders from the book at me. Their virulence and the feeling of being insulted and blasphemed angered me beyond description. My ears were booming and my blood seemed to rush upwards, crashing in my head. I was very angry that they could do anything at will and without restraint. But I knew anger would not help. Instead, I might fall into their trap if I continued to feel this way.
I quickly calmed myself down, tempered my heart, and stopped the anger. I kept my righteous thoughts and concentrated on getting rid of the anger wholeheartedly. If my heart was not moved, then nobody could disturb me.
The slanderous screaming continued. I was put in the middle and I staged a war against them.
This was a spiritual fight and a test of my determination and concentration. If I had any shell, then my shell was my main consciousness and my soul. It was molded by Dafa, and nobody could ever damage it. Gradually my heart and soul became calm.
As soon as I became calm, those collaborators couldn't sustain themselves. It seemed something went wrong with their voices. From time to time they had to ease their throats with their hands. Their voices became smaller and smaller. Before long one of them withdrew. Then another withdrew. Only three of them continued reading. Then the two who had withdrawn replaced the others. They took turns reading. Then only two of them read. Then only one person was left reading towards me. I was standing there calmly and confidently. I ignored them. My anger turned into sympathy for them. Their cursing words would be the immense sins they committed against themselves. Why did they become so senseless like demons? They repeated the same tricks a few more times. In the end they were unable to continue and withdrew hastily.
When I was put into confinement this time, I knew that I would face more tribulations. I had fully prepared myself and I would not regret it. Under the torture day by day and night by night, I didn't break down mentally though my physical body was failing. My faith in Dafa never wavered and I didn't step back, even when my physical body could hardly bear anything and at the point that no thoughts came into my mind. But the thought of Dafa was always clear in my mind and I protected this thought like I protected my life.
After several days of reading the evil book failed, female guards Wang, Yu, and Du drew a small circle on the ground just big enough for my feet and made me stand inside it. The didn't allowed me to cross the line. Then they tried to "transform" me and force me to write the Four Guarantee Statements3. I refused. Wang Yu said to me: "If you don't write them I will write it for you." She used chalk to write slanderous words against Dafa around the circle.
She said: "So how many days can you continue standing like a stick? I see you are very tired. If you move even a bit, you will step onto your Teacher's name on the ground. I don't know how long you can bear it."
I stood straight within the circle and felt as if I were sitting on pins and needles. I was in pain and exhausted. I couldn't move a bit. To avoid moving my feet I couldn't fall asleep. At the same time they put up paper slips that slandered Dafa and our Teacher on the doors and walls.
Standing like this I was almost faint. Though I had been forced to stand day and night before, I could at least move my feet a bit and there was not such mental pressure. I was forced to stand within that circle for many days and my legs became swollen and I felt very tired.
Suddenly I realised that I was being dumb. I shouldn't let them run rampant like this and let them slander our Teacher. I began to clear away the words on the ground with my hands. The guards wrote them again and I cleared them away again. I kept clearing away the words. Wang Yu was getting mad. She wrote everywhere on the ground. I couldn't hold back my anger anymore. I suddenly realised that was how they had come to encircle me. After I cleared the words away, I jumped out of the circle.
I warned them that they had committed an unpardonable sin by slandering Dafa and our Teacher and that they would be punished by heaven. I kept telling them to do good. When I asked to go to the toilet, female guards Wang and Du agreed on the condition that I wrote the Four Statements and chanted slogans slandering Dafa and our Teacher. If I didn't do that, they refused to let me go to the toilet for another two hours, three hours, five hours, one day, one night, or even several days.
This torture of not allowing me to go to the toilet was inhuman and damaged my body and mental health. It was indescribably painful, but this torture is widely used in the forced labour camps. If a person strongly holds his or her belief belief, this torture method will be used.
One day I heard somebody crying inside the room. It was a 60-year-old woman who repeatedly reported the need to go to the toilet but she was refused. In the end she just couldn't help crying.
In the big group, practitioners were allowed to go to the toilet for a fixed amount of time, even if you had to do more than just urinate. Other inmates, including drug offenders, personal criminals and traitors, were exempt from this rule. Among the practitioners, 90 per cent had dry stools, which were very painful. This was the situation for the big group of practitioners. Their situation was considered better compared to those practitioners who were detained separately as the "key persons" and were not allowed to go to the toilet at all. They used this method to torture practitioners.
The guards ordered and demanded of the criminal inmates: "You should know why you are here! We want you to deal with them [practitioners] and make them suffer as long as they are still alive and torture them but not to death."
When they were still not successful after they had resorted to all those means, one day Deputy Brigade Leader Huai wrote some words on a slip of paper and put it on the wall. She forced me to read them aloud. The words on the slip were roughly like this: "I have already ruined myself by refusing to be 'transformed.' If I continue this way, I will ruin my children and my family and my husband won't excuse me or wait for me either. Eventually I will be all on my own."
Huai forced me to read the contents of the slip aloud everyday. If I didn't read it, she would get very angry. One day I said to her: "Whether I recite or not, it is all meaningless." She asked: " Why"
I said: "I am not even afraid of death, Why would I be afraid of being alone?"
(d) Water and tears
Since I was put into a room in the "Meeting Building," I had been standing day and night and never had a minute of sleep. Besides the big metal frame that was used for a TV, there was nothing in the room, no bed, no chairs. They laid down the rule that I was only to stand but not against the wall and was not allowed to close my eyes or sleep. Criminal inmates monitored me. They said they would not stop until I was "transformed."
I stood from morning till night, from night till morning. As soon as my eyelashes touched, inmate Shen Shiling hit me hard on my head with a rod made of newspaper. Every time I sleepily blinked my eyes, she hit me. In order to prevent me from closing my eyes and having a bit of rest, they stood there for hours staring at my eyes, brandishing the rod and hitting my head repeatedly.
She stood closely before me. She was short and had to turn her head up to look at me. After a short while she became tired and repeatedly shook her neck. With the rod in her hand, she shouted: "Zhang Yijie, if you want to sleep, you have to be 'transformed.' If you don't want to be 'transformed,' you have to bear it and suffer. I will hold up your eyelids if you keep closing your eyes."
(e) No need to feel sorry for the loss of the good looking in the human world.
On the day I stood up totally wet and trembling, I said I needed to change clothes. But guard Wang Yu did not allow me to. I walked close to the heater and tried to get warm. Wang pushed me away: "If you cannot endure it, you just write the three statements and you are 'transformed.' If you will not write them, you'll have to endure the torture."
I really wanted to lean against something. I suddenly noticed a spot. I dodged Wang and quickly entered the gap between the wall and a big metal shelf. When I stood there, I could not fall down. I wanted to close my eyes, even for just one minute! I was too tired, sleepy, and cold. I was covered with wet, cold clothing. I was hungry and thirsty. With all those tortures combined, I could not clearly discern my feelings.
The narrow gap was very small and only large enough for myself. Wang could not reach me. I leaned my head against the wall. Many days had passed, and I was finally able to close my eyes. They kept watching me and did not allow me to lean against the wall and close my eyes. They wanted to wear down my energy continuously and to the maximum extent.
When they saw me hiding in the gap, Wang became very angry and tried to pull me out. When she found she could not get me out, she beat me with a stick, but I still did not come out. Finally, she thought of an evil means. She kept pouring cold water over me. After a while, my head and body were totally soaked. Cold water dripped down from my hair.
I was astonished at her callousness and deeply regretted her youth. I told her about goodness and evilness, virtue and sins. I hoped to inspire her good side, her clear side, which would give her the chance to redeem herself. However, all of what I did seemed to be in vain. She kept finding other ways to torture me.
Inmate Zhang Cuifen was quite overweight. She weighed more than 200 pounds. She was very strong. At the instigation of the guards, she pushed me down on the ground and sat on me. She intentionally sat on my abdomen and rocked back and forth, saying she felt very comfortable. I felt my abdomen close to my back. I could not breathe. I was very thin. I could not stand it after a while. My inner organs seemed to be flattened. Soon after, I choked and could not speak. I instinctively pushed her with my weak hands. Unexpectedly I pushed her right off me. I was able to take a breath only after quite a while.
That night, all of my teeth suddenly became loose. Every tooth seemed to be about to fall out. When my upper teeth touched the lower one, all of them were very loose. Guard Wang had studied medicine before. I could not help asking her why my teeth were loose. But she sneered and did not say anything.
I knew a bit about medicine. I thought it was probably because I was seriously injured both mentally and physically. I knew I had been pushed to my physiological limit.
I felt wet, cold, sleepy, and tired. I was hungry and thirsty. My legs were swollen and my feet were heavy as stones. I hoped to lean against the heater to warm my wet body. However, Wang Yu pushed me away every time. She spoke bluntly: "If you are not 'transformed,' you cannot go to sleep. I'll just torture you until you yield."
Originally, the guards expected to make me yield by using all kinds of vicious means in the small black cell that was isolated outside. When they felt they could not reach their aim as before and they felt sleepy and tired, their evil tactics went from bad to worse.
When I walked away from the heater and leaned against wall, Wang Yu pushed me away. I did not have the energy to deal with her. I stood there and closed my eyes. Suddenly, something was stuffed into my mouth. I spit it out quickly. It was Wang Yu who had stuffed a pill into my mouth. The pill was broken by my front teeth. I cleaned my mouth with my clothing while I spit it out. It was not a secret that brainwashing sessions in labour camps "transform" people by using drugs that destroy the nervous system. I was alert and tried to avoid her. However, when I was absentminded a bit, she stuffed another pill into my mouth. I also spit it out and cleaned my mouth again.
Whenever I closed my eyes, she stuffed pills into my mouth. The pills were yellow and odourless. Even in the end, I did not know what the pills were. She kept stuffing pills into my mouth, and I kept spitting them out and wiping my mouth. During the night, I did not know how many pills she stuffed into my mouth. Although I spit most of them, I still ate some.
I told her: "Do you know that nothing you feed me will have an effect on me? No effect at all!"
Several days later, all my loose teeth gradually became firm again. This thing also faded in my memory.
Five months later, they sent me to the intensive training team. The mirror in the toilet was the first time I had seen my face in a long time and it was totally changed. I was shocked and could not believe my eyes. My hair had turned white, and my face looked dark and emaciated. There was a big gap between my front teeth, and my teeth were disfigured.
I immediately refused to accept my appearance at that time. It was not surprising that my older brother sobbed and my child cried when they saw me. Someone called me "Granny." I became an old woman under the torture of the intensive team, but I was just in my 40s. At that time, I was very sad and I was struck down by the change.
For a long time I had worked in a department involving foreign affairs. Because of professional requirements, I paid much attention to my appearance, which had become a habit. It was very difficult to contemplate my disfigured face. Before then, I had noticed some white hair when some of it was pulled out, so I had been prepared in my mind to see some. However, I did not expect my hair to have turned totally white and that I would look so haggard and elderly. So what caused the big gap between my teeth?
I recalled the 43 days and nights in the interview building. The night the cold water was poured over me, all of my teeth suddenly became loose and guard Wang Yu had stuffed pills into my mouth. Apparently, the big gap was due to the torture. When my teeth were loose, the pills were stuffed into my mouth, which exerted force upon my teeth.
I looked at myself in the mirror. Sorrow and hatred seemed to surround me. After I went back to my room, I could not get myself out of such an emotion. It was hard for me to accept the condition of my face. I felt my heart was hurt again.
After a long, long time, my senses finally overturned my emotions. A voice arose in my mind: "You should stand on the viewpoint of Dafa at all times. If you stand on a human viewpoint, you will initially be immersed in hatred, and then yield because you will not be able to endure the tortures. If you stand on a human viewpoint, even if you do not yield, you will collapse mentally because you cannot endure all the sufferings."
Ah! Dafa gave me a diamond-like body, I do not need to worry about my white hair and feel sorry for the loss of a good-looking face. If I do not fear death, why should I care the appearance of a face and the human skin?
When I thought about this, my tears streamed down my cheeks. Benevolence and tolerance drove hatred and resentment away again.
(f) Handcuffs
That night, it was unusually quiet. The guard suddenly left after midnight and even the two inmates disappeared. Later, someone moved two bed boards and quilts into the room. Chen Haifeng came in and chatted with me. When it was about dawn, the guard and the inmates still did not show up. Chen said to me: "All persons in charge are not here. You can sleep for a while."
I was surprised: "Allow me to sleep?"
Chen said: "Yes, and I am not watching you."
I didn't remember how many days they had forced me to stand day and night for 24 hours. In order to prevent me from closing my eyes, they had used all means and so much effort. What was happening now? They were all gone. Was there anything happening between them? Were they just having a meeting to discuss how to break me down? Or were they planning a new conspiracy? I looked at Chen, and she looked somehow mysterious because she would quietly appear beside me unexpectedly and never tried to "transform" me, and she said nothing when I talked to her about the truths in an anti-transformation manner.
It was silent in the cell and the hallway. A warden was supposed to be on site if two practitioners were together according to the rules. How come there were only Chen and myself on the whole floor? This was abnormal, which made me uneasy. I recalled the first cold night when I was locked in a separate cell where a bunch of betrayers tortured me with the instructions from the wardens in the next room.
I remained standing, alarmed. Time passed by minute by minute, and the night seemed to be endless. Lying down was a thing of a long long time ago to me. I switched from one swollen leg to the other. I had been strictly forbidden to even sit down for a second, not to mention to lie down. I could not trust them on such a huge change.
All right, what could you do to me? With Chen's urging, I lay down on the wooden board with my clothes on. I stared at the pale ceiling, not feeling tired or sleepy at all.
Chen seemed to fall asleep after a while. I sat up and looked at her, wondering if she was really sleeping. How did she dare not watch me, but sleep instead?! I listened closely to the other room and the hallway and worried that someone would break in and do something to me. I turned and saw the TV rack standing against the wall. The rack was as large as a bookshelf for placing a 9-inch monitor, about 0.35 metres wide and 0.35 metres space between the shelfs. The lowest level was even narrower, but I managed to slide myself into the space. Although it felt as cold as the cement floor, I felt a little safer in there because it would be difficult for others to drag me out, and I would at least be able to see others if they wanted to do something to me without warning. Still, I listened closely to the outside. When it was dawn, Chen got up and was surprised not to find me on the wooden board.
The door of the cell suddenly opened and two betrayers with heavy bodies came in. They dragged the wooden boards out and stayed there. They seemed to be ready to stay there and watch for a long time. Then warden Du stepped in with a pair of shinning handcuffs and said to me: "You don't want to be 'transformed,' you'll see..."
I said to her: "It is against the law that you handcuff me against my will. You're breaking the law on purpose. In what name can you handcuff me?!"
Du said: "Nothing more will be done to you if you accept being 'transformed,' otherwise we will treat you this way."
Having seen nothing in the cell, she went out to grab a chair and pushed me onto the chair. She handcuffed my hands at the back of the chair, then left.
My body and my arms were fixed to the chair. After a while, my body became stiff, and I couldn't move my wrists, arms, or body because the handcuffs would be tighter if I moved.
This is something I learned from my experience in a detention centre before. In April 2000, I went to the Central Government office and the Appeal Office of the State Council, where I was arrested and sent to a detention centre. It was the first time where I learned that the handcuffs would get tighter if you tried to move and that your hands would be disabled if they were cuffed tightly for a certain period of time. Handcuffing is a cruel torture as it does not only brings physical pain but is also mental torment.
Due to that appeal, I was handcuffed like a criminal. The shock in my heart was beyond description. Handcuffs are always connected with crime. How can one imagine a practitioner who practises Truthfulness, Benevolence and Tolerance being handcuffed and sent to prison? When I wore the handcuffs and had to walk through the courtyard, and pass by workers digging a water channel, I saw that they stared at me with surprise. At that time, we wore our own clothes. My appearance and clothing made them notice the contrast of innocence and criminality in those metallic handcuffs. I watched them and walked by quietly. Their astonished eyes hurt and humiliated me. I had never felt like that before.
A couple of hours passed. I was so tired. I could not move and change my position. I lost consciousness due to fatigue and pain. While I was drowsy, some one pushed me and said: "It is time to eat." I had been hungry, thirsty, and cold for a long time. I moved, but I was stuck because my hands were handcuffed behind my back. I opened my eyes and saw pieces of bun in the bowl. There were many pieces, almost enough for two meals. However, they did not open the handcuffs for me. They threatened me again, saying I had to be "transformed." I did not have the energy to speak. I felt my body was falling down and the bowl was further and further away from me. I faintly heard a voice: "Dump the food! Dump the food!" I said in my heart: "Don't dump it! Don't dump it!" And then I fainted and did not know anything.
At dawn, they opened the handcuffs. My hands were black and swollen like buns. My body was numb and stiff. I seemingly heard a sound. When I opened my eyes, I was shocked by what I saw: a big colour TV was placed in front of me. Captain Jiao, the guard in charge, and the inmates were busy connecting the VCD and searching the VHS. On the TV, a young man was singing a song "Back Home," which had a clear and lively melody. The song was pleasant and made people miss their family members. I had never heard that song.
I touched the deep handcuff marks on my hands. I felt so surprised because Captain Jiao's "disintegration work" was really "thorough." From 9 a.m. in the morning to 2 a.m., I had been handcuffed for about 15 hours. I had not drunk a drop of water. Then she changed tactics on me. She set up a "comfortable" atmosphere and tried to deceive me by the soft tactics. It was really unimaginable that one person had two totally different expressions and changed so fast.
They played a romantic foreign movie, "The Sound of Music," which fully showed the effect they wanted. However, I spoiled all their scheming. I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. Dafa's teaching is always in my mind.
Whether at the North Pole or the South Pole, whether they played songs and dances, no matter how much they punched and kicked me, not matter what they said, I was knocked down to hell from heaven (i.e. I used to work at a department in the Central Government), none of these things disturbed my heart or moved my will at all.
They used all means and schemed from one extreme to another. Captain Jiao was discouraged. Forty-two days and nights' torture stopped temporarily.
On the morning of the 43th day, I was taken out of that cell and I walked out of that dark and terrible interview building.
To be continued
Note
1. "Collaborators": Former practitioners who have turned against Falun Gong under brainwashing and torture. They are then made to assist in brainwashing and torturing practitioners.
2. "Reform or Transform" Implementation of brainwashing and torture in order to force a practitioner to renounce Falun Gong. (Variations: "reform", "transform", "reformed", "reforming", "transformed", "transforming", and "transformation")
3. "Four Statements": Practitioners are coerced under brainwashing and torture to write the "four statements" as proof that they have given up their belief. Created by the 610 Office, they consist of "a letter of repentance," "a guarantee" to never again practise Falun Gong, a "Dissociation Statement" to declare a dissociation with Falun Gong and promise not go to Beijing to appeal for Falun Gong, and a list of names and addresses of all family members, friends and acquaintances who are practitioners.
Chinese version available at http://www.minghui.org/mh/articles/2006/11/17/142460.html
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